NEW YORK — A group of Broadway producers greenlit a highly anticipated musical with an original book by Lin-Manuel Miranda that chronicles the history of beef between emo bands Taking Back Sunday and Brand New, confirmed sources who just hope the production will be historically accurate.
“I couldn’t be more excited to bring this extremely American tale to the stage. The lyrics and music will be taken from the catalogs of both bands but with all of the unnecessary background screaming edited out,” said Miranda. “The beef between these two bands really encapsulates the fullness of the human spirit. Betrayal, romance, thirst for power and the importance of family, it’s all there. But at its core, it boils down to something we can all relate to: profiting off of extreme pettiness. That’s what ‘Hamilton’ was all about too. At least I think so.”
Members of the bands also shared their excitement for the upcoming musical.
“I just know this is going to be super vindicating for us,” said Taking Back Sunday drummer Mark O’Connell. “What could be better than watching all of those doofuses in Brand New looking like idiots in front of a sell-out crowd as a bunch of grown-up theater dorks do impressions of them on stage? But what’s even better is that we’re going to look awesome because a bunch of really cool actors are going to be playing us on stage, probably. I really hope Hugh Jackman plays me.”
However, not everyone associated with the bands is excited for the production.
“Goddammit, why are they doing this?” said Jessica Daly, a former romantic interest of Taking Back Sunday guitarist John Nolan and Brand New vocalist Jesse Lacey. “My life already sucks enough because of these douchebags and now it’s getting turned into a musical? Fuck me. Thank god that orgy I had with My Chemical Romance never made it past Tumblr. That would have been a real nightmare.”
According to an inside source, Miranda’s intent to cast an all-Black and Latinx cast has already been shelved because “only white boys want to sing that whiny crap.”