VANCOUVER, Canada — Facebook Marketplace seller Teo Aubrey Domingo was firm on his asking price for the stolen band gear he put up for sale, confirmed sources who wondered if he could just come down 300 bucks.
“I mean, it’s a pretty great price point, and I didn’t include labor. I tracked this band for a good week, and had to break into a double-gated community, and then tackle a locked van with an internal cage the gear was stored in. I won’t even talk about all the heavy lifting. It was a solo job, by the way,” Domingo stated proudly, before expressing annoyance at lowball offers. “It’s frustrating. I’m a self-starting entrepreneur on the grind, and I get multiple offers about giving up the items for free. Does no one look at the pictures or read the descriptions anymore?”
The local band whose gear was stolen discovered the ad, which included bolded, all caps lettering in the description of “PRICE IS FIRM” and an old picture of Ice Spice’s ass that accompanied it.
“Yeah, we’ve seen those cheeks and the posting. It’s a damn shame. The posting that is,” said NoSchwey’s lead singer Julian Musgrave. “We reached out to buy it all back at the listed price, but he hasn’t responded. We’re sure he’s busy getting loads of offers, so we understand. We blame ourselves. We should’ve thrown a blanket over it or used something more expensive than a $3 lock. We were asking for our gear to be stolen.”
Self-proclaimed Marketplace analyst Shabazz Shaheed pointed out that this isn’t a rare occurrence and that the selling of stolen material can be traced back generations.
“Everything is a ‘steal’ now when it comes to buying and selling online that you can’t really be too upset when something is legitimately stolen,” said Shaheed. “It’s fair game. If you’re given a steal of a deal, you have to respect the rules and wishes of the seller, even if it’s your stuff. In fact, there’s a new law protecting stealers’ rights. If they pilfer your possessions, it is now theirs. This statue is also known as the ‘finders keepers, losers weepers.’ We must remember that no one is above the law.”
At press time, Domingo had a change of heart and decided to raise the price after reconsidering market demand and to stave off non-serious offers.