URBANA, Ill. — The bi-annual Kinsella family reunion, organized by brothers and Cap’n Jazz bandmates Tim and Mike Kinsella, successfully resulted in the record-breaking formation of 12 new bands that will inevitably be signed to Polyvinyl and/or Jade Tree, confirmed sources.
“This year has not only led to our largest quantity of bands formed, but our widest variety as well,” stated American Football bassist, Cap’n Jazz guitarist, Make Believe drummer, LIES multi-instrumentalist, and lead cousin of the event Nate Kinsella. “We have everything from the math-y in your face twinkly guitar riffs in ‘Isthmus Between Us,’ to the reverb-heavy acoustic guitars in ‘Wishwell,’ to the experimental two-piece, synth-backed twinkly guitars in ‘Plane Jain.’ I’m just so glad we could get family members from around the world to convene at our three-bed, two bath American Football house.”
The gathering has attracted attention from locals unaware of the area’s notoriety in the midwestern emo scene.
“I kept hearing music down the street that constantly alternated from fast sad noodle-y guitar rock, to slow depressing shit,” local resident Liam Hunter stated. “I thought some of the students were throwing a music fest, so I was surprised when I walked over to see a family reunion that was somehow 90% bearded dads in their 40s. They actually mistook me for their second cousin. Long story short, I’m in four new bands. Little do they know that I don’t play any instruments and I’m not even remotely related to anyone here.”
This year marks a controversial change for the event, as members of Algernon Cadwallader, the Philadelphia-based fourth wave emo band, were granted permission to attend this previously second wave midwestern emo-oriented event.
“Reviewers always called Algernon ‘Cap’n Jazz knockoffs’ and being reductively dismissed by music critics makes them family more or less,” explained the family historian and Karateoke drummer Itsuki Kinsella. “The bands they’ve started are taking off too. Amanda Zoldaz’s Ghost already has lyrics that have been spray painted on the walls of a renowned Japanese thrift store, and Gloo has a fall tour of Central Eastern Europe lined up where they’ve already attracted a cult following.”
At press time, eight of the formed bands announced their imminent breakups, citing the desire to build financial demand for a reunion offer from Best Friends Forever Fest.