ANAHEIM, Calif. — Recently deceased grandmother of six Dorothy Roddenbury selfishly had a funeral on the same day Anthrax was scheduled to play at City National Grove of Anaheim, disgruntled sources report.
“Ugh, this is just like her,” grandson Jason Roth complained. “I’ve been looking forward to this show for the past year, and now I have to miss it. The funeral ends at 8 tonight, so it’s entirely possible for me to still make the show, but my mom refused to drive me because it would be inappropriate. I’ve been dreading this happening ever since Nana Dorothy got sick a couple months ago, and it’s so selfish of her to not have held out for one more week so I could finally mosh to ‘Efilnikufesin.’ She was always going on about how much she loved her grandkids, but I see now that that was a bunch of bullshit.”
Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian reacted to his fan’s plight.
“Wow, that’s really messed up,” Ian said. “My grandmother never would’ve done something like that to me. She actually took herself off life support when I was 15 to make sure she died a month before a Rainbow show in New York City. It’s the job of grandparents to make sure their grandkids never miss the opportunity to thrash. If I were this kid, I’d skip the funeral and come out to our show instead. His parents will probably be pissed, but fuck it. We don’t come out to Anaheim all the time, so it’ll be worth getting grounded.”
The ghost of Roddenbury appeared contrite after having been summoned through a seance for her input.
“I really thought I could hold on for a little bit more,” Roddenbury confessed through a hired medium. “I know how excited my poor Jason was for his rock concert, and I feel awful that I ruined it. Preventing my grandson from seeing an evil heavy metal band is actually what got me into Heaven, but it’s really not worth it. I would’ve gladly endured the eternal flames of Hell if it meant I could’ve made my handsome little angel happy for one night. If you see him, can you tell him his Nana Dotty is sorry and will always love him?”
At press time, Roth was further aggravated when his father inconsiderately had an open-heart surgery scheduled on the same day as an upcoming Megadeth concert.