EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local hardcore kid Jackson Gattis is reportedly the most athletic student at his school despite his complete lack of participation in gym class, confirmed sources.
“Jackson is like half frontman, half acrobat, half D student, half backflip machine. But with sick pen-drawn tattoos all over it,” said bandmate Spencer McQueen. “Every time we play a parking lot gig, there’s basically two shows. There’s the music, and there’s Jackson flipping from car hood to car hood like he’s Simone Biles. I mean you should see him in gym class, when he puts his whole body through the basketball hoop like Guy Picciotto. He could probably do some cool windmill dunks or whatever, but that would mean participating in gym. Which is against everything we stand for as a band.”
And while some are inspired by Gattis’ lack of gym class fervor, others see wasted potential.
“I just wish he’d put as much effort into the activities as he did ‘Naruto-running’ along the matted walls of the gym,” said Rick Scarborough, Gattis’ gym coach. “As a small, rural community, we don’t see athletes of Jackson’s caliber very often, so it’s tough watching that much Lebron James-esque talent go to waste. I mean, I’ll admit, the triple-spin karate kicks he and his burnout buddies do in the corner are pretty badass, but I wish the kid would go out for track. Or at least play capture the flag.”
Gattis’ supposed “wasted talent” is attracting international attention however.
“Athletes like Jackson who express their athletic prowess in, let’s say, non-traditional ways are exactly who we’re trying to honor with our new sports,” said International Olympic Committee spokesperson Claire Newton. “We’ve added skateboarding and breakdancing to the Olympics in recent years, and I’m happy to announce we’re also strongly considering hardcore dancing, thanks to intrepid athletes like Jackson. Some would call these rad new sports a desperate attempt for ratings. I’d like to call those people nerds.”
At press time, Gattis’ parents signed him up for football so he could avoid failing gym, where he went on to score three touchdowns and kicked a 48-yard field goal in his first game without breaking a sweat.