WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local guitarist and noted pushover Jackson Ermine revealed his customary pre-show ritual consisted of letting everyone he invited know that it’s alright they’re not coming, relieved sources confirmed.
“Yeah, usually I stretch a little, run through a few scales and finger exercises to get the blood flowing, and then I take three or four hours to text back ‘no worries’ to the few dozen friends saying they aren’t going to make it tonight. I’d just feel ‘off’ without that, y’know? Gets me in the proper headspace,” said Ermine, not looking up from his phone. “And sure, I could just send out a mass text or an Instagram story saying it, but they took the time and energy to let me know personally that they wouldn’t be watching me pursue my dreams and passions, so why should I give them any less. It’s a matter of respect, their total lack of respect for me.”
Many of Ermine’s loved ones have gone on record saying blowing off his gigs is a mutually beneficial situation.
“It might seem like we’re being fair-weather friends by standing him up show after show, but trust us, it’s just making him work harder. I think it makes him play better and better each time” said Ermine’s PetSmart coworker Teona Gazzariti. “I say ‘I think’ because, again, I’ve never actually attended one of his shows, and likely never will. But I’ll be damned if I ever forget to let the guy know I won’t be there. The hope he has up for me and all his other friends coming is the only hope he’ll have…who am I to dash them by quietly letting him go about his night none the wiser? I’m not an evil mastermind.”
T-Mobile analytics liaison Harriet Bellflower attests that “no worries” texts create the bedrock of total texts worldwide.
“At any given minute of the day, there are an average of 46.1 musicians worldwide texting their friends ‘that’s cool, next time’ before they play a mostly empty bar show. It’s just solid data.” said Bellflower, as she received one herself, as if on cue. “In fact, and this doesn’t leave this room, if people started showing up for their buddies’ performances, it would single-handedly bankrupt every cell phone company and conglomerate into oblivion, with no hopes of rebuilding. Luckily, it’s clear that will never happen. I’m blowing off three rock shows, a zine-release, and a pot-luck/poetry reading as we speak. At the end of the day, we’re only human.”
At press time, Ermine was frustrated to find that everyone he texted followed up to say they’d be free to get wasted somewhere after, though.