BEACON, N.Y. — A longtime apparel designer for classic rock stalwarts The Grateful Dead admitted they recently exhausted all possibilities for rad things a skeleton can do, sources confirmed amidst guitar noodling.
“I’m as surprised as the next guy that it’s possible to hit such a brick wall with the rich, florid, seemingly endless topic of ‘skeleton does some cool shit,’ but here I am with egg on my face and my foot in my mouth. Oh, maybe a skeleton with its foot in its mouth– nah, that’s crap. God damn, I’m stumped!” opined frazzled Grateful Dead merchandise designer Gerard Hammelstone. “It might just have to be ‘back to the bears’ for me. At least they come in different bright colors. I’ll let the Iron Maiden folks have skeletons for a bit as I go off and refresh artistically. It’s time I rest my bones, instead of figuring out a way to make other bones wakeboard or some shit.”
Iron Maiden T-shirt designer Hailee Stockdale was unable to hide her pleasure at Hammelstone’s artist’s block.
“Well well well, the big dog’s finally out of new tricks, huh? It was only a matter of time, really. Drawing human skeletons wailing on flying-V or zooming a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon is a young person’s game, I’ve always said. The guy should just retire, and enjoy all his Sphere merch booth money,” said Stockdale, in the middle of a design where Eddie was juggling chainsaws. “Leave the innovation to me, and to a lesser extent, the Social Distortion people, although they’re really just content in riding the wave the ‘martini and cigarette’ idea earned them. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had thought of that.”
The ghost of original Dead frontman Jerry Garcia, graciously offered a statement regarding Hammelstone’s slump.
“Hey, man, Gerard’s just gotta mellow out, crank up some tunes, and allow the cosmos to guide the sick skeleton artwork flowing from his pencil. I asked Mozart and Rembrandt how they’d go about it, and that’s exactly what they said. Good dudes, good dudes,” said Garcia’s ghost, surrounded by a haze of weed smoke, empty nitrous oxide tanks, and heavenly aura. “Anyway, I can’t talk long, I’ve gotta go meet the rest of Heaven’s band for a meeting about letting in new members. Joe C has been lobbying to get in since 2002, remember him? I think this just may be his year, too. We could use a nice shake-up.”
At press time, Hammelstone was seen at a local graveyard with a shovel with the intent of “digging for some inspiration.”