FORT DIX, N.J. — The Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institute announced that it has granted Sean “Diddy” Combs conjugal freak-offs, confirmed sources.
“We’ve been taking a lot of heat for this decision and I’m not just talking about how that lube gets, like, overly hot when it’s applied,” began Jay Merkel, spokesman for the New Jersey Department of Corrections. “But we’re trying to avoid him being on suicide watch. Combs going from his normal, everyday orgies to no group sex whatsoever has taken a toll on his psyche. After intensive in-house psychiatry visits, it was decided for his mental health that Swag will be allowed conjugal visits, but in the manner he was most acclimated to. After all, just because you’re in prison doesn’t mean you can’t also have a little fun.”
Love/Brother Love himself had quite a mixed bag reaction to how the first one went.
“It was fun, but not the same,” admitted Combs. “I’d actually call it more of a ‘mess-around’ because they were, in comparison, pretty tame. Didn’t help that a guard had to be present the whole time too. We used to spread out in the privacy of my house after a White Party with Ashton Kutcher. Now I can only invite 10, maybe 12 guests and we have a strict 15-minute time limit. And that federally issued baby oil is way too diluted. I prefer Johnson’s. I also used to have Ray-Jay video everything for me to review later, but I can’t do that here either.”
Correctional psychologist Dr. Amber Pritchard explained the psychological motivation which may accompany such a radical accommodation.
“They have something to look forward to other than the monthly movie night,” said Dr. Pritchard. “But it only works when the other inmates receive privileges unique to their interests as well. For example, when R. Kelly made it one whole month without asking the guards for photos of their daughters, he was allowed to urinate on an inmate of his choosing. If Joe Exotic from ‘Tiger King’ was on good behavior behind bars, he was allowed to hang out with a wild lion in his cell for a whole day. Luckily, we keep one on-site at all times.”
At press time, the Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institute announced that they have moved Combs to a larger cell in order to accommodate the sheer size and volume of the “freak-offs.”
