3. A Former Member of Green Day Was Assassinated and Replaced by a Robot Made of Pure Rhythm
John Kiffmeyer, aka “Johnny Swizzlesticks,” was the original drummer for Green Day. Shortly after signing to Lookout!, the band began feeling pressured by the label, presumably at the behest of Capricorn Jack, to replace Kiffmeyer with a fresher model of drummer. Originally this was to be a human man who had simply had his hands replaced with drumsticks, but as the band’s popularity continued to grow, it was eventually settled upon that the new drummer would be a fully automated robot, with infectious rhythms composing its very soul and an emotionless heart as black as coal. Yet there was still the question of what to do with Kiffmeyer, who, when he heard he was in talks to be replaced, vowed to “burn this whole motherfucking label to the ground before giving up on this easy-ass meal ticket of a band.” But on November 11, 1990, Kiffmeyer and the robot, now known as “Joey the Beater,” were both placed in a small rowboat, with a single length of lead pipe between them, and were ineffectually pushed out to sea by the Lookout executive board. Three days later, the boat washed ashore in Oakland – a blood-spattered Joey the Beater the only survivor. The robot would remain with the band as drummer for twenty years, but left due to creative differences over the band’s craptastic trilogy “¡Uno! ¡Dos! ¡Tré!.” The robot’s whereabouts are currently unknown.