15. Blew
Cancel your Hims subscription, delete your WebMD browser history, and punch your doctor in the face. All you need to get over this sexual hump is a little “Bleach.”
14. Stain
Gen Xers should discontinue use of the “Incesticide” album and contact their doctor immediately if they experience dizziness, trouble sleeping, or an erection that lasts more than four hours. Pharmacists recommend easing into your treatments with “Sliver” or “Aneurysm” first.
13. I Hate Myself and Want to Die
Unclear what “I Hate Myself and Want to Die” is about lyrically. If only Kurt was more direct with us. Regardless, right now our only goal is to get blood to flow to the penises of people who remember when MTV played music videos and won’t shut the hell up about it. Cobain’s words are irrelevant for our purposes.
12. Even In His Youth
Oftentimes, a doctor will just wear a Nirvana shirt so the Gen Xer will ask them to “name three songs.” This will prompt the physician to say “Even In His Youth,” which will trick an unsuspecting middle-aged man in achieving a stiffy. Modern medicine is all about deceiving people now.
11. Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle
Nirvana really honed the ability to get musically quiet and then real loud. No other band thought to mess with in-song volumes like they did. For that, the boners of the word can rejoice.
10. Pay to Play
Every savvy Nirvana connoisseur knows this track is just “Stay Away” with the chorus changed to “Pay to Play.” However, only Gen Xers are born with the knowledge of why Kurt made this change, and unfortunately they will never tell us. They perfected the art of gatekeeping.
9. Tourette’s
“Tourette’s” proves that you do not need discernible lyrics or a cogent lyrical message to achieve a hard-on in your 50s.
8. On A Plain
Tucked away toward the end of “Nevermind,” far beyond the reaches of the “In Bloom” and “Come As You Are” tracks of the world, “On A Plain” is exactly how you get your genital region to align with your one weird fetish where Krist Novoselic sleeps with your wife while you watch from the corner of the bedroom.
7. Oh, The Guilt
The original version of this track has a sound of a lighter clicking throughout the opening. This was later removed for the compilations with no explanation. If we want to move forward as a horny nation who just wants to get it on, we need answers.
6. Negative Creep
Maybe it’s that sick guitar riff or maybe it’s the heightened sludge factor or maybe it’s the fact that this song rules. Whatever it is, your Gen X parents are definitely banging to this track as we speak.
5. Endless, Nameless
Legend has it, this originally hidden track off “Nevermind” was recorded live, Kurt intentionally smashed his guitar during recording, and the song was a sexual awakening for many Gen Xers who simply forgot to stop the cassette or CD after “Something in the Way” concluded.
4. Molly’s Lip
Don’t overcomplicate things by trying early Soundgarden or any era of Melvins to fix your sexual predicament. All you need is this simple two-chord track to tap into your unresponsive anatomy’s potential.
3. School
Who needs Cialis when you have the whole “Bleach” album at your disposal? Every stream of “School” is a simple act of rebellion against the shlong-based pharmaceutical companies. They’re getting too powerful and we must find holistic grunge-based medicinal approaches if we want to defeat them.
2. Sappy
Nirvana recorded a bunch of versions of this song but never released them on any of their albums, and yet “Sappy” has found a second life among casual fans and a third life among the penises of men who were tragically forced to live through the height of hair metal.
1. Territorial Pissings
One of the more aggressively satisfying Nirvana songs, “Territorial Pissings” may even sexually arouse a Millennial, who should also start thinking of creative ways to get hard. For that, we recommend lesser known Blink-182 songs.
Listen to the playlist if you want to get rock hard:
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