15. ‘Dune’ by Frank Herbert
Honestly, kind of a challenging read what with all of Herbert’s made-up sci-fi terminology, but I’ve seen not one but two Dune movies plus a TV miniseries, so I think I’m prepared for any conversation this book might spark up.
14. ‘Inferno’ by Dante Alighieri
Fair warning, it’s not as cool as it sounds. You would think a book about a guided tour through the circles of hell would be metal as fuck. Unfortunately, this book is part of a trilogy called “The Divine Comedy,” and to add insult to injury it’s not even that funny. Still, it’s 700 years old, so reading it has to make me better than you, right? It better, I’m bored.
13. ‘I, Robot’ by Isaac Asimov
Thanks to the three rules of robotics, this book cannot hurt you. With the rise of AI threatening the fabric of our society, Reading this in public will make you look prophetic to other humans. But you will also look like a threat to the robots so on second thought, you should probably just enjoy this one in bed.
12. ‘Organic Chemistry II For Dummies’ by Richard H. Langley, John T. Moore, H.B. Moore
Look at me, casually reading up on advanced organic chemistry (one of the most complicated sciences known to man that you could never understand in your whole friggin life,) but with enough capacity to laugh at myself that I’m slumming it with the “for dummies” version, aren’t I cute and brilliant? Sure, it’s a gimmick, but it works dammit.
11. ‘Ulysses’ by James Joyce
You know a book is going to make you look smart when you can’t even understand the fucking CliffsNotes. If anyone holds your feet to the fire for specifics, there’s like a 20-page section where Joyce describes a man jerking off in the bathtub. That’s what the whole damned book is about for all I can tell, but damn do I look like the smartest guy in this Irish pub with my light green cabby hat, scarf, and tattered copy of “Ulysses.’
10. ‘The Hard Times: The First 40 Years’ by The Hard Times Staff
Honestly could not put it down. Not only does reading this book in any public setting make me look very cool and smart, (plus sexy,) but it’s chock full of pure gold satire that makes me laugh and also think as well. One thing is for sure — anyone who contributed to this masterpiece is a bonafide published author, and no one can take that away from them.
9. ‘A Clockwork Orange’ by Anthony Burgess
Publicly reading a book made into a movie everyone has seen — is there any better way to say “I’m just a little bit better than you?” This new-speak classic is about everything that happens in the movie, but it’s in a book. Or, as Anthony Burgess would say it, “This wibbly-chaf is real horror-show shillarny on what droogs vidy Kubrick yarbles” or whatever.
8. ‘War And Peace’ by Leo Tolstoy
Honestly just watching the movie of this thing is an accomplishment, I think it was like 4 cassettes when I was a kid? Most people would shy away from a book this long. That’s exactly what drew me to it. Like an intellectually insecure validation-seeking moth to a flame, I am going to read each and every word of this epic work and this barista is going to watch me do it. She has to, I’m sitting at the bar near the to-go cup lids.
7. ‘The Sun Also Rises’ by Ernest Hemingway
Hemingway’s writing is extremely dry and uncomplicated, but that’s what makes it brilliant. Sound like a trick? It is! I have no idea why people will assume you’re intelligent if they see you reading this thing. It reads like something my 14-year-old nephew could have written if he went to war and got into bullfighting. If you’re too hungover to text but you still want to look smart, dig into some Hemingway.
6. ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ by Thomas Pynchon
There are two types of people in this world: People who haven’t read ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ and will be impressed to see you working through it, and people who have read ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ and know as well as you do that it’s incomprehensible nonsense. Don’t worry if you run into the latter, they won’t call you out on it. They will immediately become a co-conspirator. You’ll praise the novel’s experimental structure and talk about how Thomas Pynchon was sort of on ‘The Simpsons’ once, all while slyly exchanging the winks and nods of seasoned con men.
5. ‘House of Leaves,’ by Mark Z. Danielewski
Have you ever been reading a book and thought, “I wish a bunch of these pages were blank”? The upside-down text and experimental formatting in ‘House of Leaves’ will have you turning the book like a steering wheel. The woman sitting next to me on the subway was so intimidated by my reading level she moved several seats away.
4. ‘Notes From the Underground,’ by Fyodor Dostoevsky
What if a mentally ill socially awkward loser was also a misunderstood genius facing a never-ending existential crisis? It’s like someone wrote a book about my life. Reading Dostoevsky in public screams Mensa member. No one needs to know I’m only using it to weigh down a corner of my beach blanket.
3. ‘Infinite Jest,’ by David Foster Wallace
This is my copy of Infinite Jest. There are many like it, but this one is mine. The reason it’s tattered and falling apart like a prison Bible is because I’ve read it to the point of memorization, and definitely not because I accidentally put it in the washing machine along with my Sonic Youth tote bag I threw up in while blacked out.
2. ‘The Sound and the Fury,’ by William Faulkner
Easily one of my favorite books to pretend to read. I bullied someone into writing an essay on it during my junior year of high school, and from what I remember, a bunch of guys want to bang their sister, and the South is doomed. Faulkner really puts the ‘art’ in smart. No wonder James Franco made a movie about it.
1. ‘Professional Idiot,’ by Steve-O
Reading this in public tells people you’ve mastered the classics and you’re back to basics. It’s an ironic statement no different than if Chopin were to play Chopsticks. This book is merely a guise to conceal my intellect, appear relatable, and hold my phone while I play Candy Crush.