29. Silent Night (2012)
Well, it’s official, kids just don’t want to see Santa Claus going on a murder spree despite how objectively cool that is! You never heard such screaming in your entire life. We tried our best to calm them down. Every time Malcolm McDowell was on screen we said “Look kids, it’s Malcolm McDowell!” and they were like “Whose that?” and we were like “You know, from “A Clockwork Orange” and they were all like “What’s that?” so then we screened “A Clockwork Orange” and things got even worse! Honestly, we just don’t get kids today.
28. The Advent Calendar (2021)
We were doomed from the start on this one. Apparently there was a miscommunication and the kids were expecting us to give them a cardboard calendar filled with little chocolates. When they were instead shown a movie about a macabre supernatural advent calendar and the lengths a woman will go to for the chance to walk again they were disappointed, to say the least. As the movie went on disappointment became horror, horror became inconsolable crying, and inconsolable crying came we will go to jail if we come within 20 miles of that county ever again.
27. Better Watch Out (2016)
“Better watch out” is exactly what one of our screening audience member’s dad shouted at us as we made a mad dash to the van and hightailed it the fuck out of there. Okay, maybe it was a bad idea to screen this movie for children, but you know what else is a bad idea? Giving your 5-year-old a cellphone! Still can’t believe little Brian narced us out like that, I thought he was cool.
26. Await Further Instructions (2018)
We’re just gonna come out and say it, when it comes to dealing with themes of claustrophobic paranoia and existential dread, American 5-year-olds are woefully behind.
25. Mrs. Claus (2018)
So sue us if we tried to present Christmas horror to children in a way that empowers women! Oh, you’re not going to sue us for that? You’re going to sue us for “Criminal negligence and the corruption of minors” instead? Thanks a lot, state of Oregon!
24. Dead End (2003)
It’s got that guy from “Twin Peaks” in it, what more do you little bastards want?! Rudolph?! Fuck off! Little twerps.
23. All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018)
Who doesn’t love a Christmas-themed horror anthology?! A room full of children who will never sleep peacefully again, that’s who.
22. Red Christmas (2016)
Okay, it’s not a perfect movie, but if those little brats can’t respect Dee Wallace then we sure as hell can’t respect these subpoenas we keep getting.
21. Inside (2007)
Believe it or not, a lot of the kids had never seen a New French Extremity film before. Hell, some of these kids didn’t even know where babies come from, so sue us for giving them a bit of a crash course by screening “Inside” for them! Well, no, don’t actually sue us! Ah, fuck they’re suing us.