15. Blake Grupe New Orleans Saints
It’s a known fact that horses hate anyone named Blake. Nobody knows where this came from, and scientists can’t explain the contempt horses display towards Blake’s. Thankfully it’s usually just light assault like a kick to the knee and not a full-blown murder.
14. Eddy Pineiro Carolina Panthers
When Pineiro was a child he went to a petting zoo on a school field trip and only fed the goats. He completely ignored all the horses, and they haven’t forgotten. They never forget and they never forgive.
13. Cameron Dicker Los Angeles Chargers
Whenever Dicker takes a road trip down the 5 outside of Los Angeles he says “cows’ every time he sees a cow on a farm, but he never says “horses” when he sees a horse. This is extremely disrespectful and every horse in the world is pissed about it.
12. Matt Gay Indianapolis Colts
Many horses consider the Colts mascot Blue to be an “affront to God” and have sworn vengeance on all players and staff related to the team. The team’s owner Jim Irsay keeps most horses at bay by sprinkling his leftover pills in the parking lot in hopes the animals eat them and overdose.
11. Anders Carlson Green Bay Packers
The rural area surrounding Lambeau Field can be dangerous. Packers players are given a potent horse spray to repel any attacking stallions. However, lots of horses in the area have developed an immunity to the spray and often seem to welcome direct shots to their cold, dead eyes.
10. Kaʻimi Fairbairn Houston Texans
When the Oilers played in Houston they lost 5 kickers over the course of a decade to seemingly random horse attacks. Although there haven’t been any horse-related deaths in the past few decades the threat always remains.
9. Greg Joseph Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings kicker considers himself quite the film aficionado and wrote a scathing review of the 2003 Tobey Maguire vehicle “Seabiscuit” on his Letterboxd profile. Believing the review to be a contributing factor to the Seabiscuit franchise’s failure to launch, a sizable group of internet horses has had it out for him ever since.
8. Riley Patterson Detroit Lions
Patterson just barely beat out a horse for a roster spot on the team. The Lions realized there was no rule in the book saying “A horse can’t play football” so they brought in a 4-year-old Mustang for a tryout. Patterson got the job, but the horse is reportedly “Out for revenge.”
7. Matt Prater Arizona Cardinals
Despite being the most experienced player on this list Prater is very likely to suffer multiple horse attacks throughout the course of the season. This goes back to comments he made in 2013 where he said “Baby horses aren’t as cute as everyone makes them out to be.”
6. Dustin Hopkins Cleveland Browns
Four years ago when Hopkins was visiting New York in the summer, he took a date on one of those horse carriage rides through Central Park on one of the hottest days of the year. When the dehydrated horse paused to take a shit he said “Woah that stinks.” He basically signed his own death warrant that day
5. Chad Ryland New England Patriots
Everyone knows that horses love to eat apples, carrots, and rookie kickers. Ryland actually looks like a sentient single strand of hay. If he gets within 200 feet of a horse he’s as good as dead.
4. Joey Slye Washington Commanders
One of the best things to happen to the Commanders was Dan Snyder selling the team. However, it is rumored the FedEx field is now overrun with bloodthirsty horses that Snyder trained personally in hopes of taking revenge on the team he once owned.
3. Chris Boswell Pittsburgh Steelers
Steelers coach Mike Tomlin insisted the team take down all of the horse defense systems around their facility. He claimed “Horses don’t have a taste for human flesh.” This does not bode well for the 9-year veteran placekicker.
2. Jason Meyers Seattle Seahawks
The Pacific Northwest is one of the most deadly places in the world when it comes to horse attacks. Last year over 400 people were eaten by horses, seven of those people played for the Mariners. No professional athlete is safe in Seattle.
1. Wil Lutz Denver Broncos
The Denver Broncos force all of their kickers to share the same stable as their mascot Thunder. They also have to compete for food and affection from coaches/handlers. It’s almost a guarantee that Lutz will be eaten by week 4.
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