Shellac of North America, a band composed of more professional recording engineers than not, have only released five full-length albums in over 30 years together. They obviously aren’t concerned with the plight of serious journalists trying to hit a minimum word count while judging and comparing their albums from an unearned position of authority. Well, fuck them. We won’t bother telling you about their singles, “friends-only” release, or the excellent compilation of Shellac’s John Peel sessions. We won’t unload the unwarranted baggage that comes with covering “Steve Albini’s band.” We’ll just rank the album that opens with a 12-minute-long boring-ass song in the bottom slot and call it a win.
5. Terraform (1998)
That fucking song. You can see how it happened – some fan of theirs told them “I could listen to that rhythm section all day” and they said “No problem!” Look, if you were forced to spend a day with a rhythm section you want it to be this one – but to single out one song on a Shellac album as unusual is so contradictory you might think we just used it as an easy excuse to put something in last place. The prog-rock “Tomorrowland” cover art doesn’t help either, so we’ll blame that too.
Play it again: “Copper”
Skip it: “Didn’t We Deserve a Look at You the Way You Really Are”
4. Dude Incredible (2014)
The title track that kicks off Shellac’s most recent full-length is perhaps the trio at their most “normal rock band,” even with the 7/4 time and story about a family of horny gibbons or whatever. Much of the rest is obsessed with surveyors – disgraced Colonial soldier George Washington was a surveyor, the mayor of Chicago is a surveyor, there’s even an instrumental that’s somehow about doing surveys. How likely are you to recommend this album to a friend? Less so with each passing song about surveys.
Play it again: “Dude Incredible”
Skip it: “You Came in Me”
3. Excellent Italian Greyhound (2007)
Now this is cover art! Uffizi, the eponymous superb pooch, looks pleased as punch to be posed amongst prop produce on the album’s cover. Like the cutie-pie canine, Shellac can seem a bit chilled out on this record – “Kittypants” is the loveliest goddamn thing – but you’re not safe yet. Some of this fruit and veg has gone off, and it won’t be long until this stellar pupperino gets tired of sitting around and leaves us to sit alone with the rot. Guest appearances include Strong Bad, so the album is a little dated.
Play it again: “Be Prepared”
Skip it: “Boycott”
2. At Action Park (1994)
To refer to “At Action Park” as a seminal noise record is a little tired at this point, and there are far too many mentions of cum in Shellac’s lyrics to be comfortable referring to anything in this piece as “seminal.” This band emerged from the womb fully formed presenting a song-as-concept approach to guitar rock; one that flips off and makes perverse any attempts to add concepts to the established song structure. You absolutely cannot fake this.
Play it again: “Song of the Minerals”
Skip it: “Boche’s Dick”
1. 1000 Hurts (2000)
Imagine releasing an album in 2023 and starting it off with a guest vocal from Taylor Swift. That’s almost at the level of starting your 2000 album with the crooning tones of Philip Baker “Jimmy Gator” Hall, and that move alone gets “1000 Hurts” the top spot. Deadly songs about JFK, squirrels, shoes and watches work as hard as they can to ensure the victory. The drums are Jovian and the bass is dirtier than a shit farmer’s boots. The steelwork guitar slashes constantly at your throat – never more than when mourning a recently departed mother. Perfect.
Play it again: “Mama Gina”
Skip it: Any cover of “Prayer to God”