29. Dean Forester
Sure. Dean would be fine with eating a pork torta. He’d be fine with eating some pot roast his mommy made him. He’d be fine having some custard pie, whatever the fuck that is. Hopefully he’d also be fine walking in front of a city bus.
28. April Nardini
April is only 13, so she hasn’t yet been exposed to the true variety of street meat that the world has to offer. That being said, I think April would be down to try a salt beef bagel, given the chance. She might turn it into a science experiment by sealing it in a Ziploc bag and watching it mold like my middle school teacher Mr. Miranda, but she’d have a few bites first.
27. Morey
Yeah, Morey would be fine with eating street meat, but adventurous eating is a relic of his past. He’s prioritizing the simple life, and chili cheese fries aren’t part of his vernacular anymore. These days, he’s sipping on wine and making homemade pasta with his sweetie Babette while crooning to Billie Holiday.
26. Lindsey Lister
Lindsey Lister is Dean’s stay-at-home wife who lives like a 1950s homemaker. She’s 19 years old and spends her days asking the butcher how to make pot roast, only for Dean to cheat on her. However, I think in her early twenties Lindsey would start to branch out and try new things, like binge drinking and buffalo wings.
25. Anna Nardini
Okay, listen. Her poor communication, subpar parenting skills, and control issues aside, I think Anna can be found picking up some jerk chicken and goat curry when she’s too tired to cook. Managing a small business and destroying the relationships of people around her really takes up a lot of her spare time.
24. Lulu
She’s dating the town weirdo, so I have to assume that she’s a go-with-the-flow type who doesn’t think too much about the consequences of her actions. Poke from a food cart on a 90-degree day? No problem. Lulu doesn’t give a shit about the future risks, she’s just here to enjoy the present.
23. Richard Gilmore
I think Richard would absolutely fuck up a calzone. He’s not all glitz and glamor. I bet after Emily goes to bed, he gets on Yelp and salivates to images of Korean fried chicken. Plus, he loves the bizarro, disgusting, mysteriously monikered casserole dish, “Johnny Machete.” What can I say, dude’s a freak.
22. Madeline & Louise
While Madeline and Louise are looks-obsessed calorie counters, I also think they’d be fun drunks who would annihilate a greasy slice of pepperoni and some garlic knots at 2 a.m. Oh, and they’d flash the server to get them for free. If you got it, flaunt it, and get a $1 slice for $0.
21. Dave Rygalsky
Dave has a fast metabolism, so he’s gotta get it where he can, and if that means a 3 p.m. pit stop for a huge plate of beef yakisoba, so be it. Dave is here for a good time, not a long time. But he also is a boy-next-door type who’d do anything to get the girl, including eat eggless egg salad sandwiches, so I must dock him for that blunder.