Fall is here, which means it’s officially “Gilmore Girls” Rewatch Season. All the dramady sluts out there like me are lighting their candles, gathering their coziest blankets and remembering just how emotionally stunted they are. A show won’t fix you, heal you, or replace the need for human interaction! But “Gilmore Girls” comes pretty goddamn close.
If you watch “Gilmore Girls,” you probably like to fucking eat. A juicy fried chicken sandwich will comfort you and suppress your sadness, as will Lorelai’s witticisms and Kirk’s dancing skills. So this fall, we’re imagining which of Stars Hollow’s finest would join us in our stress-eating and be down for a late-night trip to the taco truck. Let’s find out exactly where these characters rank for least chill to chillest with street meat.
50. Michel
Absolutely not. Michel is a meticulous French concierge who wouldn’t be caught dead with a greasy kebab. He is repulsed by bagels, committed to the egg-white omelet and has a meltdown when he realizes he’s been drinking 2% instead of skim milk for a week. In fact, Michel might have an eating disorder disguised as early 2000s diet culture. Regardless, no street meat for Michel.
49. Mrs. Kim
A drill-sergeant parent and a zealous Seventh-Day Adventist with a strict, likely religiously imposed diet. John Kellogg was a Seventh-Day Adventist, and he invented a bland cereal so that people would stop masturbating. Sylvester Graham also tried his luck at getting a boring fucking cracker to get people to stop self-pleasuring. Apparently it was an issue of the time. Anyway, Mrs. Kim is a hard pass.
48. Taylor Doose
I just have this feeling that Taylor is eating sweets at all hours of the day. He kicks off his morning with a cinnamon roll and ends his day with a fudge sundae, skipping lunch in between. His taste buds rarely crave a juicy, savory french dip. Also, he’s a little bitch who is the type to say shit like “back in my day, we didn’t receive participation trophies,” so here you go, Taylor – no participation trophy.
47. Mitchum & Shira Huntsberger
Mitchum seems like the type to subsist off black coffee, pills, martinis, and filet mignon. Shira seems like the type to subsist off protein shakes, Diet Coke, and salmon salads. They think Cubano is a type of ballroom dance and not a buttery sandwich with pork, ham, pickles, and mustard on toasted bread. And frankly, it’s better that way.
46. Miss Patty
No, Miss Patty wouldn’t be cool with street meat. Not unless we’re talking about a male prostitute.
45. Sherry Tinsdale
Sherry is a chamomile-tea-and-kale-chips bitch who would scoff at the suggestion of souvlaki. While she would absolutely slay at healthy weekly meal planning, she would rather have her Mary Kay credit card get revoked than eat a hotdog outside of the stadium.
44. Tristan Dugray
Nope, Tristan is a fork-and-knife, country club kid who probably has never seen a menu with numbered meals. He’s skeevy, he’s scummy, and he’s a sexual predator–so even though he’d fit right in a dark corner of a dive bar, he’s more inclined to harass waitresses at high-end establishments.
43. Doyle
Doyle is high-maintenance and a bit sheltered, so I don’t think he’d do well with spontaneity, which is half the fun of street meat. He seems like the type to get a tummy ache from eating basically anything and then complain about it all night long. He chronically forgets his Lactaid and then makes it your problem. I’d make sure this guy stays away from chili dogs, and me.
42. Lorelai Gilmore Sr. AKA “Trix” Gilmore
She’s the eldest Lorelai and the namesake of the whole god-damn clan. Because of her eugenicist-esque obsession with pedigree, I wouldn’t expect to find her inhaling a hoagie. On the other hand, she did rent a house to Korn. On the other other hand, she was a landlord. It’s a no from me dog.
41. Nicole Leahy
Nicole is a lawyer (one strike) who cheats (two strikes) and who enjoys the types of salads that we’re being served in a diner in Nowhere, Connecticut in the early 2000s (three strikes). You know the ones–iceberg lettuce devoid of all chlorophyll topped with coins of carrots, black olives, shredded mozzarella cheese, and some Newman’s Own Italian Dressing. So no, she sure as hell wouldn’t be found eating a beef taquito from her local 7/11.
40. Max Medina
Nah, Max isn’t a food truck guy. This prep-school professor is a bit of a simp, so the only way he could be found eating a bucket of chicken would be to give a woman the impression that he’s a chill dude without a stick up his ass. But he actually kinda has a stick up his ass. And it’s not a KFC drumstick.
39. Logan Huntzberger
He was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth, and he can still be found sucking on it from time to time. He might indulge in a lobster roll when on vacation in the Vineyard, but he’d look at a sausage roll with skepticism. London’s street food scene is wasted on this pretty boy.
38. Troubadour #2
Since he’s a busker, you’d would think he’d be pretty comfortable with grabbing a late-night brat. But actually, this Troubadour is a dirty, crunchy vegan who slacklines and refuses to wear shoes, only going barefoot. He runs his own produce stand and definitely got scammed into buying some essential oils one time.
37. Jason Stiles
Jason is the human version of a $250 omakase menu. He likes confined spaces and tiny bubbles. He can’t sleep in a bed with another person and hates fast food. Get a life, Jason. He’s not dead last because he was willing to eat a giant grocery store egg roll, but still, he’s nowhere near the gold.
36. Christopher Hayden
Chris would try an empanada, but he would mispronounce it and then embarrassingly defend himself. He would get so flustered that he wouldn’t even care about the delicious, steaming little pocket of beef and onion in front of him, only taking one small bite and then letting it get cold while he talked incessantly about his experience studying abroad.
35. Marty
Marty gives off “nice guy” Midwest vibes. He fucks with ranch, blue cheese, heavy cream, sour cream, whipping cream and cream cheese. He’s seen a hotdish in his day. I just imagine his upbringing in a depressing ’90s dining room with a distant father and saccharine mother, a la “Freaks and Geeks.” He’s a bit sheltered, and I just don’t think he’s the first to reach for a sambusa.
34. Emily Gilmore
Emily Gilmore doesn’t know what “street meat” is. The only reason she made it this high is because she had a meltdown in a mall and then ate food-court Sbarro pizza with a fork. But still, she ate it.
33. Luke Danes
Stars Hollow’s beloved-yet-curmudgeonly diner owner can be found serving up bacon and eggs every day. His career choice makes it seem like he’d be down to clown on some chimichangas, but Luke is actually an Almond Mom. Not only does he prefer turkey burgers and carrot sticks to ground beef and fries, but he also gleefully judges people who don’t share his healthy habits.
32. Sookie St. James
Sookie is what one might call a “foodie.” A classically trained chef, I think Sookie is happy eating anything from tacos to steak tartare, as long as it tastes good. But Sookie cannot relinquish control, and one component of enjoying street meat is removing yourself from the process. You just gotta close your eyes and dive straight into that dumpling, but Sookie would say something like “hmm, it needs chives,” and frankly, it would kill our vibe.
31. Jackson Belleville
Jackson is a local produce supplier–he can always be found with his arms full of blueberries, zucchini, mushrooms, and rasp quats (don’t ask). Plus, he’s sleeping with–okay, married to– the best chef in town. Would he turn his nose up to Pelmini if offered? No. But does he have the inherent makings of a street meat savant? Also no.
30. Colin & Finn
Logan’s chaotic and deluded besties, these two would only be found eating a corndog on some sort of crude fraternity dare. But guess what? They love crude fraternity dares. They tend to be the hazer, though, not the hazee.