25. Irma Kostroski
Given the reaction to Larry’s simple request to get someone’s attention for him, we’re thinking no on this one. However, she is a public servant so you might try buttering her up with it’d be good PR for her pitching in and supporting the arts. Just make sure she doesn’t scratch her ass before touching your limited edition vintage Telecaster.
24. Loretta Black
The woman not only survived a natural disaster that destroyed her home and everything she owned, but she also just caught Larry apparently cheating on her not long after learning she had cancer. Hasn’t Loretta been through enough already without you asking her to carry your shit around?
23. Cousin Andy
Could go either way honestly, though we’re thinking no. He wouldn’t even give Larry his dad’s smoking jacket back, so he can be extremely difficult. Plus he’d probably complain the whole time. Offer him eggs with crispy onions and he’ll likely do it, but make sure he doesn’t want them beforehand otherwise you’re likely to miss your timeslot.
22. Becky
Eh, she’s got a lot going on and if Cheryl’s going to be at the show she probably wouldn’t show as they’re not really speaking these days Plus, given how she lives and her accident-prone nature, would you really even want her carrying your limited edition Jagstang?
21. Maria Sofia Estrada
While her work in her dad’s restaurant would mean she’s likely suited for that kind of task, her real passion is her talent as a performer. Besides, her dad’s got dirt on your band and is blackmailing you into making her your new frontperson and needs to get ready for the show.
20. Bam-Bam Funkhouser
Yes, but she’s not really all there sanity-wise so ask her at your own risk. Probably not a good look to ask a mentally ill woman to lug your gear and it’s a Funkhouser so there’s the bullshit that comes with dealing with that family. There’s a very distinct chance she’d just steal the van anyway.
19. Wanda Sykes
She seems like the type of person to pitch in as needed, but Larry’s interactions with Wanda almost always end up with some sort of misunderstanding that leaves him looking like a racist, so consider that. Plus there’s the optics of having a black woman working for you for free…which Wanda will most likely point out.
18. Richard Lewis
Yeah, but with Lewis you know he’s going to put on a whole martyr routine and bring up how his chiropractor told him to avoid too much strenuous labor and before you know it he’s sending you the bill for his latest realignment. Plus, he’s probably only there because his latest, much younger girlfriend is the talent booker for the venue.
17. Anna
While we admit it’s a bit of an odd request to make of your dry cleaner, if you throw a good fuck her way, she’ll probably do it. If your band has matching outfits or costumes though, don’t ask her to clean them for you after the show. She’s not going to schlep your shit all over town.
16. Victor
Yes, but be sure to thank him for his service as a vet. Otherwise, you run the risk of him being pouty the whole night and it could fuck up his impression of your band. Also, loud noises are known to trigger his PTSD, so maybe bringing Victor to a Grindcore show wasn’t the best idea in the first place
15. Cheryl’s Dad
You could probably guilt him to help by playing into his Protestant work ethic and claiming it’s what Jesus would have expected of him. Though, unlike Jesus, he’ll expect something in return like you paying for a living nativity scene or writing an obituary — which, by the way, you should proofread carefully.
14. Alexander Vindman
Well, he’s probably there as someone’s guest so it’d be rude to ask, but push to come to shove he’d probably help out with little complaint as he seems like a stand-up guy depending on your politics. Just call him Colonel though, he seems to like that.
13. Bridget
Bridget had a sort of just roll with the punches attitude, a rarity among people in Larry’s universe, so we figured she’d probably help out if you asked nicely enough. Just make sure she doesn’t bring that asshole kid of her’s that she claims is “on the spectrum.”
12. Jeff Greene
Unless he’s already in his sweats, he’ll either do it because he wants to bang someone at the show or Susie heard you ask and she berated him into helping you out. If he’s in his sweats, you’re out of luck as he’s in for the night.
11. Ted Danson
He’d do it, but it’s definitely not out of kindness. He’ll have some ulterior motive such as trying to look good in front of Cheryl or maybe buttering you up before he has sex with your ex. Be sure to have Larry keep an eye on him the whole show.
10. Joey Funkhouser
Was pretty gung-ho about pitching in at Larry’s spite store, so we think we could ask him with little fuss. Though he is known to inadvertently knock things over with the rather large penis he gave himself after transitioning.
9. Mocha Joe
Just be sure to tip him if he does help otherwise you’re going to find yourself driving to Downtown Los Angeles during rush hour traffic as a favor to him. He’s very sensitive about the texture of his scones, so try to avoid bringing them up.
8. The Tiny Chauffeur
You may have your qualms about asking given her tiny stature, but carrying things is a part of her job and one that she takes very seriously, so if asked she’ll do it and be rather insistent about it. If Seth Rogen gives you shit, just praise her for being a professional.
7. Cheryl David
Yes, but in exchange for doing so you’ll be forced to play a benefit gig for the Natural Resources Defense Council for free. You also will be expected to do covers and no original music. This is a gala event after all. Also, word around the campfire is she doesn’t respect wood.
6. Marty Funkhouser
He’ll do it, provided that it is not the Sabbath or that you ask him to take off his yarmulke. Also, bear in mind you’re getting help from a Funkhouser which means it’s expected to be returned in kind. Any promise made to a Funkhouser is expected to be kept.
5. Jon Hamm
Jon Hamm’s been hanging out with Larry a lot lately and has taken on a lot of Larry’s idiosyncrasies and quirks. He’ll help out, but it’s definitely coming with strings attached. On the plus side, he takes being told to get the fuck out pretty well.
4. Leon Black
While Leon will avoid work in favor of pleasures of the flesh, he’s shown to be pretty reliable when asked. If he gives you any pushback, just mention that roadies get to tap groupie ass as well and he’ll probably unload the entire van himself.
3. Freddy Funkhouser
He did lend Larry his favorite shirt and seems to be the guy most people in the show go to in a pinch. He’s also one of the less uptight Funkhousers. Provided he doesn’t have anything else going on, he’s likely to show up and will probably have some story about touring with Van Halen in the ’80s or something.
2. Larry David
Despite his misanthropy, Larry has been known to help folks in need of a favor. Just be prepared for him to ask you for one in return and he does keep tabs on these things. If the favor he asks is less intensive than unloading your gear, he may only count it as half a favor and expect another to keep things equal.
1. Rosie O’Donnell
You wouldn’t have to ask. She’d offer and, if you turn her down, will, rather belligerently, insist that she be allowed to help you unload the van. If you still say no, she might physically attack you and she is known to be pretty strong. Just accept the offer.
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