15. THE BLOB THAT ATE EVERYTHING
This is another one I was gung ho about until a friend read the title for me before checkout. Why would I learn how to read if I already know how it ends?
14. THE HAUNTED SCHOOL
Wow, as if school wasn’t scary enough! I have to admit the prospect of being able to retain a cool story about a haunted school just from staring at a bunch of weird symbols on paper piqued my interest. Luckily a janitor hung himself that year, so I didn’t need to read the story anymore. They say you can still hear the glugs from his flask by the broom closet.
13. THE SCARECROW WALKS AT MIDNIGHT
When this one came out someone at the lunch table asked me if I read it yet. I wanted to seem cool so I said yes. Then he asked me what my favorite part was. I panicked a little, but kept my poker face and said “I liked the part where the Scarecrow started walking when it was midnight” and my friend said “Yeah, that was scary.” Phew, reading averted!
12. RETURN OF THE MUMMY
Cool cover art, maybe too cool. I was never actually tempted to learn to read it. I still have a copy, and just staring at all the pretty colors is enough for me.
11. GHOST BEACH
At this point my friends were starting to suspect I wasn’t really reading the Goosebumps books, so I started hanging out with a kid a few tiers below the rich kid’s social circle and lending him my Goosebumps so he could tell me what they were about. He got to read cool books he couldn’t afford, I saved face and looked charitable, everyone won! According to Billy, “Ghost Beach” is a story about a beach that has ghosts on it. Five stars.
10. PHANTOM OF THE AUDITORIUM
I may not have been able to read my Goosebumps books, but I could still get seen with them, and that was the part that made you cool. If someone asked me what this one was about I told them it was sort of like “Phantom of the Opera” but in a high school. Thankfully no one asked me what “Phantom of the Opera” was about, or what written words mean.
9. WELCOME TO DEAD HOUSE
This was the first Goosebumps book, so when I would walk around with it and someone asked me what it was about I just said “I haven’t read it. It’s the first one. It’s going to be worth a lot of money someday, and I don’t want to damage the spine.” They thought that was really smart, and you know what? It was.
8. MONSTER BLOOD II
To a ‘90s 4th grader there was absolutely nothing cooler than green ooze. This one featured that and a monster hamster on the cover, making it a must-own. The only reason I didn’t read it is because I never read “Monster Blood Part 1,” or any written word in my entire life.
7. MONSTER BLOOD
No monster hamster, but the cover had even more ooze than “Monster Blood 2!” Man, why were we all so obsessed with ooze? And why do people read, it’s stupid!
6. GO EAT WORMS!
You have to understand the power of that statement to a kid in the ‘90s. Getting someone to eat worms was the go-to move of every prankster brother and bully on television. If you could actually pull it off and get some other kid to eat worms, that was it. It was over. You owned them, forever. I rocked this book the way Will Smith rocked a cigar—it’s just for the look, I don’t read it.
5. WELCOME TO CAMP NIGHTMARE
This one was super tempting at the time. It was sort of cashing in on the whole “Friday The 13th” thing. We revered those movies, and if you and some friends caught one at a sleepover the night became a legend. This book seemed like a kid-accessible way to experience that thrill. Fortunately, my parents were neglectful, so I got to just rent all the movies.
4. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DUMMY
If I could magically imbue myself with any skill, it would be ventriloquism. Reading wouldn’t even crack my top 10.
3. THE HAUNTED MASK
“The Mask” had just come out. Goosebumps was super popular. This was a Goosebumps book that looked like it had the mask on it. It was a perfect storm.
2. SAY CHEESE AND DIE!
Why are a bunch of skeletons having a barbeque? I never learned to read, so I still don’t know. It honestly haunts me to this day from time to time, but then I just look at all the money my dad left me and the urge to read dissipates.
1. ONE DAY AT HORRORLAND
I fell in love with this book on site. I loved horror movies and theme parks more than anything as a kid, and the idea of a horror theme park got me so excited I was ready to buckle down and figure out this whole “written language” thing just to experience it. Then I brought it home and my dad told me there was a place like that called Spooky World in Massachusetts. We went the next day, I had the time of my life, and I didn’t need to learn anything. The End. That’s what you say at the end of a thing right? See I’m just guessing.
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