The holidays are upon us, and we’ve been getting cozy with some of our favorite classic films to get into the spirit. While stumbling across the world-renowned ‘Jack Frost’ we were delightfully reminded that Henry Rollins has an outstanding cameo as Charlie’s hockey coach, Sid. Given his knock-out Oscar worthy performance, it got us thinking: Why didn’t Rollins ride this wave further to the motherfucking bank? There are countless movies that could have been elevated by a simple one-liner from him. Here are twenty that come to mind immediately.
“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”
The Griswold’s neighbors Todd and Margo are easily the worst characters to ever be written into a scripted film. Can you imagine if Todd was played by Henry Rollins though? They’d probably make at least four spin-off movies and a Disney+ series out of it. Also, if Clark said to Henry even half the shit he says to the original Todd, you bet your ass he’d take the bottom of a mic stand to his fucking teeth. As we all know, any scene in which Chevy Chase suffers serious physical harm is the best scene of all time.
“It’s a Wonderful Life”
“It’s a Wonderful Life” is an undisputed classic in its own right, but let’s be honest, after being played marathon-style every Holiday season it’s starting to lose its edge. Through modern technology, producers could easily craft a scene in which Rollins appears as an angel and delivers an impassioned twenty-minute monologue to George Bailey regarding his need to burn down the Bailey Bank and Loan, making the film finally enjoyable for audiences new and old.
“Die Hard”
We’re gonna go out on a limb here and be the first to designate “Die Hard” as a Christmas movie. Now that that’s out of the way, we’re not just going to say that it should have had Rollins as a cameo. He should have been a fully-fledged co-lead. Everyone can agree that Bruce Willis really needed a friend in this one, and who wouldn’t want to see Henry Rollins beat the ever-living fuck out of Alan Rickman?
“Love, Actually”
Everything about this movie is so saccharine that watching it has been linked to several cases of adult-onset diabetes. A brief scene with a hardcore punk legend could have helped to roughen up the edges and who wouldn’t want to see Henry Rollins beat the ever-living fuck out of Alan Rickman?
“The Santa Clause”
Tim Allen’s breakout Christmas hit, “The Santa Clause” is certainly not without its charms. Still, we can’t help but think that Rollins would have made a great elf. Maybe toward the end of the movie he would have gifted audiences with an unhinged performance of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” that resulted in a mosh pit so rowdy it destroyed Santa’s Workshop. That would have been a way better setup to whatever bullshit the sequel was.
“Four Christmases”
Through a comedy of errors, Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon find themselves having to visit their respective parents separately during what should have been a vacation getaway to Fiji. Vaughn’s character obviously tries to get out of it whenever it is humanly possible. A simple solution was staring him in the face the entire movie: Just hire a ringer. Henry Rollins is just passable enough as a Vaughn stand-in that it could have worked wonders. Not only that, we’d get to finally hear Rollins’ oft overlooked voice-acting skills.
“Bad Santa”
Picture this: Billy Bob Thornton’s character is drinking himself to death in a bar, when Henry Rollins shows up to lecture him about how he’s poisoning his body. While it doesn’t end well, Rollins – having been charmed by Thornton’s “take no shit” attitude – shows up at the end to beat the shit out of all the cops during the penultimate scene. Isn’t that markedly cooler than the original?
“The Nightmare Before Christmas”
Why should goths have all the fun with this one? We thought Christmas was about bringing people together. Rollins wouldn’t even need a speaking role to bring much needed unity to the deeply fractured state of punk and goth relations. That’s the true meaning of Christmas.
“The Muppets Christmas Carol”
While The Muppets franchise may have created the single greatest adaptation of A Christmas Carol ever put to film, it is severely lacking in a puppet version of Henry Rollins. Close your eyes and picture some beefed up Muppet Rollins popping into a scene and tell us the movie wouldn’t have won Best Picture at the Oscars.
“Scrooged”
A modernized retelling of the Dickens classic “A Christmas Carol,” “Scrooged” took a lot of liberties with the original material. Rollins could have made a quick appearance as The Ghost of Christmas Future’s Assistant who briefly shows Bill Murray’s character what could happen if he doesn’t start going to the gym more.
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