Thanksgiving is the best time of year for gathering friends and family and appreciating all the year has given you! And while we all know about football and the kids’ table, there’s a lot of traditions out there you’ve never heard of. Read on:
Read the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Planning Committee Meeting Minutes
For a lot of families, it’s not really Thanksgiving until you break out the minutes of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and read it out loud in front of the fire! Available by writing to NBC at PO Box 1837, New York, New York 10001 with a self-addressed, stamped envelope and mail order for $19.99.
Breaking Ted’s Wishbone
At the end of a delicious turkey meal, what’s more festive and homey than pinning Ted down and hammering his wishbone until you hear it snap? Quick, make a wish!
Toast the Turkey’s Death
As we cherish the living, we must honor the dead. This turkey fought bravely, and is now in Bird Valhalla, where it will peck at grain and children forevermore. To the turkey!
Play the Weird Games the Person You’ve Been Dating for Five Weeks’s Family Made Up 
So, it’s basically Monopoly, but instead of money, we use nuts. A five is a peanut, a ten is an almond, we don’t use the twenties, and the hundred is an unshelled walnut. And you’re not allowed to buy hotels until everyone has one, and you have to shout “Gobble!” when someone crosses Park Place. It’s simple, babe.
Get Fucking Tanked
Oh, you already know about this one.
Eating
Although it probably seems pretty weird, it’s a tradition in some parts of the US (and Canada) to eat a meal during Thanksgiving. Wacky!
Decorate Your Attic with Paper Flowers While Thinking of Food
Aren’t the flowers beautiful? Lie down, you need to keep your strength. Grandmother won’t forget about feeding us this day, I just know it.
Giving Thanks for Captain Beefheart
Remember, the true meaning of Thanksgiving is to appreciate all that Don Van Vliet, AKA, Captain Beefheart brought us. Trout masks for everyone!
The Gronch
Many families watch the non-copyright infringing holiday special, “The Method By Which The Gronch Illegally Took Thanksgiving from Its Rightful Celebrants,” every year. Ooh, the Gronch is right behind you, Maggie-Lee Whom!
Inspect the Harvested Grain for Argot
It may seem odd to you, but Goodman Pritchard has instructed us to every year inspect the rye for argot, lest we have the… unpleasantness…of accusations of witchcraft once more.
Require the Least-Liked Family Member to Give Blessings
That’s right, dork. Say grace! Bless us all! Idiot!
Savor the Blessed Moments of Peace When Those Garbage People Finally Leave
Oh thank god. It seemed like Thanksgiving would last forever. Jesus, what did Uncle Gary do in the bathroom?!