I know how this scheme works, you liberal cucks. First you wanna take away my beloved machine guns, which I have nicknamed “Better Penis” and “The Landlady,” and then that just opens the floodgates for you to come and take away anything else that brings me joy in this world. Well here are a few other things that, if you want ‘em, you’re gonna have to pry from my very rigorred grasp:
My favorite hamster, Devon
Although occasionally he likes to ride in my pocket, I much prefer to hold his widdle fuzz in my bare, cupped hands. Anybody who tries to disrupt him is a damn communist.
This Pickle Jar 
Well, my hand appears to be forever stuck in this jar of kosher dills. That is, unless I release the pickle inside of it that I’m currently holding, which of course I will never do. Because I really want that pickle and it’s all mine and if I let go someone else might try to take it. So pry away you snowflakes and maybe you will free me from this vinegary entrapment!
Wrestlemania Tickets That I Stole From Make-A-Wish
Why should those entitled cancer kids get a hand out? If that little bald boy really wanted to see a smackdown so bad then he should have just pulled himself up by his bootstraps right after I pushed him out of his wheelchair.
This Yankee Candle That Smells Like a Rainy Saturday
Look, I just like it. Let’s not linger on this one, but do know that I will brain you with this remarkably sturdy candle jar if you ever dare try to remove it from my presence.
Inexpensive Wine 
It comes in a box and it tastes like weeds and is the only thing that lets me sleep in the morning. No, I don’t have a problem! You’re a problem!
A Big Knife
Go ahead. Try to grab it. I dare you.
The Divorce Papers
It’s not going well and I’m really sorry about the affair and all I really want is one more chance to be the husband and father I always knew I could be, Cathy. Please will you reconsider the arbitration?
Judy Blume’s “Superfudge”
When I was in 2nd grade I picked up my copy of this beloved children’s novel from the school library because it was the heaviest book I could find to use to bash nerds in the back of the head with. I still have that same copy and, though it’s mostly sentimental, I occasionally take it out to beat the sweatervest off some brainiac two tables over who had the absolute lack of balls necessary to order a lite kale salad. No one, not even the assistant manager, can take that away from me.
A little Knife
I don’t even need the big one. See? You still won’t try to grab it, you pussy.
Pepsi Fingers
Nothing beats the cool, refreshing feeling of an ice cold Pepsi cola being slowly and deliberately poured over the webbings in between each of my fingers. God I love that. It’s chilling but it’s also sticky – so it’s really the best of both worlds. Anyway, what were we talking about again?