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I Unfriended Everyone I Hate and Now Facebook Sucks

I hate drama, which is why I used to read it from a safe distance on the internet.

Social media was my healthy outlet for gossip. But the other day I just couldn’t take it anymore and I unfriended everyone I hate and Facebook sucks now.

By removing all the toxic and ignorant people from my feed, I’m left with only my happy, educated, and successful friends, who are incredibly boring. It turns out that when you cut out all of the negative distractions in your life, all that’s left is baby photos, beautiful couples working out together, and friends sharing their accomplishments.

Fuck. That.

On this journey I’ve learned that I really needed the boost I got from thumbing through the trainwreck of an ex’s public breakup or seeing a bully from high school threatening people in the comments section of the Official Baconader Facebook Page. Horrible people make me feel so much better about my myself. Sure, I’m an amorphous blob next to the acro yoga couple, but I’m looking pretty good up against my old coworker smoking a menthol while six months pregnant.

Related: David, This Is Grandma, I Hope I Am Doing This Right. I Don’t Think You Should Be Putting That Offensive Music up on the Facebook. Your Little Cousins Could See It. Also, Could You Tell Your Mother to Call Me, Johnsonville Sausages Are on Sale at Krogers and I Wanted to Know If I Should Pick Any up for Her.

 

My old newsfeed was an onslaught of ill-formed political vitriol and I miss it more and more everyday. It was so easy arguing with alt-right idiots and radical left blowhards. Now I only have measured, reasonable people on my feed. Have you ever had a debate with measured, reasonable people? It’s so boring! No one ever gets blocked, fired, or receives a threat on their life. Plus, did you know these people expect you to backup your views with researched FACTS?! I now know what I want out of social media, and it definitely isn’t homework.

With this experiment I’ve learned that to become your best self you should defriend all the productive people who make you look bad in comparison and who bring you down with their achievements. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go friend request everyone from the Defend Pop Punk Facebook Group.

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