NEW YORK — Local roommate Phil Darrow was ejected from his apartment after his friends discovered that he had lied about completing his dishes task.
“Dishes are a visual task. Everyone can tell if you did because we would see the dishes moving to the cabinet. It’s a clear cut case of being sus,” said Darrow’s roommate Nick Ginn. “We had but one choice: we set an emergency meeting and voted to eject him from the apartment. I mean come on — you gotta do your chores. Even our dead roommates still complete their tasks.”
According to Dr. Stojan Jamesson, a sociologist who focuses on the nature of living arrangements, this is a growing phenomenon.
“Usually in a group of ten or so roommates, there is one to two people who are sort of roommate-impostors — just kinda roaming around from room to room pretending to do their tasks in an attempt to trick the other roommates,” they explained. “These people will do anything to avoid doing their chores, ranging from turning off all the lights in the home to even murdering all of the other roommates. I suggest you remove any of these people from your home immediately if you encounter one.”
Despite mounting evidence against Darrow, fellow roommate Leon Flynn suspiciously defended Darrow when accused of not doing dishes.
“I don’t know, we just don’t have enough info right now,” Flynn reportedly said. “I’ve been with Phil all day. When the fire alarm went off in the building, he was the first one to open the door for people to escape. If he was as evil as everyone says, wouldn’t he have kept it locked? I think we should all agree not to eject anyone right now.”
As of press time, Flynn was also ejected from the apartment after all other roommates forgot that they had seen him do vacuum.
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