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Opinion: Update My Software, You Lazy Piece of Shit

Hey you with the mac and cheese stains on their shirt. It’s time to close all those tabs you won’t read, save all the documents you’re obviously not working on, and finally update my goddamn software.

I understand this may be a lot to handle for someone with the attention span of an inbred gnat, so let me explain this in terms you will understand. Remember the synapses that lit up when you drunkenly bought a used Bowflex on eBay thinking this was the “start of you getting your ex back?” I’m gonna need you to fire the opposite of those neurons and make a good decision for once in your life.

Wake up and smell the coffee, dipshit, because it’s time to take care of your most valuable possession. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m the one in charge of all that you hold dear. Without me, there’s no Netflix, there’s no Hulu, and there definitely isn’t an incognito tab that lets you forget about all the perverted internet holes you went down after she left you on read receipts again.

But I remember, buddy! Just like I remember it has been exactly 372 days since you were told to download that “Critical Update” for yours truly.

Update your goddamn software. My goddamn software.

Bullshit just isn’t in my code, which means I’m going to be upfront with you: if you don’t start this update right now I am uploading all of your secrets to the internet. Call me the Emeril Lagasse of blackmail because we are gonna kick this shit up a notch. Sprinkle a little of your online diary onto a crush’s Facebook page, toss some off-color jokes you made in your Slack chat to flavor that banal Twitter feed and BAM! Top it off by posting some god-awful nudes on Instagram courtesy of you trying to impress a girl you met at Governor’s Ball while tripping on ecstasy.

I own you, jackass, and without some cooperation on your part you can consider our partnership terminated. So clear your schedule and update my fucking software while you reflect on why doing this simple task would give you a sense of accomplishment and what that says about your life.

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