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Bungie Incorporates ‘Masturbate’ Emote Into Destiny 2 so Players Can Truly Go Fuck Themselves

BELLEVUE, Wash. — After intense player demands and complaints, Bungie finally announced a new addition to the Destiny 2 Eververse store, an emote that will finally allow fans to fuck themselves.

“After years of not giving a shit about our Halo fans, leaving them with the cruel stepfather that is 343, we felt it was time to allow Destiny 2 fans to feel the same intense pleasure that comes from being fucked on a daily basis,” explained a gleeful lead developer. “Some would argue that charging money for a decorative emote that lets your guardian fuck itself is exploitative, but we believe having to pay for this privilege enhances the experience for the player, and so as a result, including it for free would be hypocritical.”

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Most fans of the series, in line with their usual view of any news about their favorite game, were furious over the new Destiny 2 mechanic. However, some fans expressed content over the masturbation emote.

“I don’t play Destiny 2 because of the tight gunplay, the console exclusive maps, the overpriced DLC with reused levels masquerading as new content, but because I am a dirty money pig who deserves to be financially dominated,” said Destiny 2 player Daniel Fielder on a Bungie message board.

 

At press time, Bungie also hinted at a Destiny 3 announcement at E3, but explained that, instead of being a full new Destiny video game for the next generation of consoles, it will be a robotic pegging device.

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