BELLEVUE, Wash. — After intense player demands and complaints, Bungie finally announced a new addition to the Destiny 2 Eververse store, an emote that will finally allow fans to fuck themselves.
“After years of not giving a shit about our Halo fans, leaving them with the cruel stepfather that is 343, we felt it was time to allow Destiny 2 fans to feel the same intense pleasure that comes from being fucked on a daily basis,” explained a gleeful lead developer. “Some would argue that charging money for a decorative emote that lets your guardian fuck itself is exploitative, but we believe having to pay for this privilege enhances the experience for the player, and so as a result, including it for free would be hypocritical.”
Read More From Hard Drive: Halo 2 Lobby in 12th Year of Guy Delaying Countdown
Most fans of the series, in line with their usual view of any news about their favorite game, were furious over the new Destiny 2 mechanic. However, some fans expressed content over the masturbation emote.
“I don’t play Destiny 2 because of the tight gunplay, the console exclusive maps, the overpriced DLC with reused levels masquerading as new content, but because I am a dirty money pig who deserves to be financially dominated,” said Destiny 2 player Daniel Fielder on a Bungie message board.
At press time, Bungie also hinted at a Destiny 3 announcement at E3, but explained that, instead of being a full new Destiny video game for the next generation of consoles, it will be a robotic pegging device.
