Aries (March 21-April 19)
Use that Fire sign energy to call out anyone and everyone this week, Aries. It doesn’t have to make sense, or matter that they’ve fallen short of your arbitrary set of values that change with the seasons — just take to Facebook, and make sure your caps lock is set!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s time to shake off those winter blues, Taurus. The sun is in your sign as we speak, so hop on your friend’s porch with a case of your favorite beer and don’t leave until the garbage collector shows up the next morning to haul that disgusting, soggy couch away.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The call is coming from inside the house, Gemini. It’s all in your head. No one is trying to steal your ’zines and publish them as the next great YA novel. So, relax. Put down the homemade smiley.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Love is in the air, Cancer! This week you’ll meet the person who is, without a doubt, the one. Except… they aren’t vegan. And they don’t compost. And they just said American Idiot was Green Day’s best album. OK, you know what? Maybe being single isn’t so bad after all. Enjoy your long and lonesome life, Cancer!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
OMG! Yes! That literal pile of shit you stepped in last week? Definitely “a sign from the Universe or whatever” that the stray dog you found behind Mr. Natural needs to come home with you, Leo. Your roommates have pretty much grown to love the others by now, anyway, so what’s one more?!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It’s a good week for spring cleaning, Virgo. Clear out your closet, and who knows? Maybe you’ll find some gems you forgot about — like that bowling shirt with the flame sleeves. Or, maybe your old, khaki bucket hat. Sometimes the hardest styles to let go of are the ones you definitely should’ve never tried in the first place… but goddamn it, it’s time.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Set some goals for yourself this week, Libra. You’ve attended the same community college for six years now. Try switching things up! You can always stop attending night classes halfway through the first semester.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Some people peak in high school. For others, it’s in their 20s. But you like to do things in your own way, Scorpio, always marching to the beat of your own drummer. What I’m trying to say is that 62-64 are going to be some killer years for you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You’ll be faced with multiple frustrations this week, Sag, so make self-care a priority. Drown out the sound of your new roommate and her girlfriend fighting, and their make-up sex, and then fighting again, and then the door slamming, and then crying, and then bong water bubbling, and then the theme song to The Office playing through the walls… with a relaxing, guided meditation.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
If you feel like the stars are calling you a poser this week, Capricorn, you aren’t totally wrong — just be aware that everyone else is, too.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Now is the time to trust yourself, Aquarius. Miz Cracker is the best contestant on this season of RuPaul’s Drag Race if you say so. Don’t let anyone try to Monet Exchange your mind!
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You could really use something to pull you out of your rut, Pisces. The stars suggest a change in your appearance… and there’s no better way than a brand new Hard Times T-shirt! Check out https://shop.thehardtimes.net/ for all your apparel needs!
Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, and Chloe Connaughton.