EAST STROUDSBURG, Pa. — Rental agent Bonnie Mallick advertised her East Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania studio apartment as “Williamsburg-adjacent” despite being located almost 80 miles away, aggravated renters reported.
“If you consider the size of the universe as a whole, this apartment at 432 Gold St is practically touching Williamsburg compared to say, the Andromeda Galaxy. So yeah, it’s definitely adjacent,” stated a defiant Mallick, who also refuses to list square footage on Zillow listings. “And there is a Greyhound station approximately two walkable miles away which you could use to get to Williamsburg in less than 18 hours. You’ll be strolling past the hottest coffee shops and adorable shops in no time. Also, no utilities are covered by rent and there is a $600 monthly HOA fee which I couldn’t fit anywhere into the listing.”
432 Gold St’s outgoing tenant, Kirk Pond, became disillusioned with the promise of access to Brooklyn soon after moving in.
“The listing said that you can be in the heart of Williamsburg in minutes, which is technically true since it didn’t state how many minutes it would take,” admitted Pond, who moved into the apartment after accepting a gig as a bassist for a Williamsburg-based indie band. “My life has become a living hell ever since. I don’t know how to use a map, but one glance would have confirmed that this agent was lying through her veneer-covered teeth. Also, she definitely went to great lengths to brighten and saturate photos of the place which I had to accept sight unseen. It’s a fucking dungeon. Never, ever forget that landlords, agents, and property owners are all the scum of the earth.”
Economists offered a different perspective on choices regarding real estate and rentals.
“These little participation trophy-wielding babies are so picky about where they live, it makes me sick,” said Stan Lomax, columnist for Kiplinger’s Personal Finance. “I’ve yet to have a millennial rent one of my vacation homes in Jackson Hole, Wyoming which is only $7k per month. ‘Nooo, we need to be near coffee shops.’ They should all aspire to be more like my son, who managed to buy an amazing condo right in the heart of Williamsburg after I gave him $2.2 million to do so. He makes his own coffee every day instead of spending it down at the shop where it can cost upwards of five bucks.”
Mallick continued to stretch the bounds of truth in her latest apartment listing by using the bathroom sink as justification for advertising “in-unit laundry.”