MINNEAPOLIS — A travel agency that makes plans for customers and then cancels them is surging in popularity, sources confirmed.
“Our new business model carries a 99.91% customer satisfaction rate. The relief of no longer needing to go anywhere far outweighs the experience of being groped at the airport, getting airlocked inside a magic fart tube in the sky, losing critical medication in stolen luggage, sleeping on benches outside overbooked hotels, coming up with things to talk about with estranged family members, and incurring crippling debt for the privilege,” said Jason Efoff, founder of Efoff Travel Agency. “We make all our money on cancellation fees, which are an industry-low $15. We’re on track to make $1.9 billion this year. Sure, customers can do all of this for even less by self-cancelling online. However, people need someone to blame so they can pretend to be disappointed in social media posts visible to family members. That’s where we come in.”
One such customer appreciated this new surprise-and-delight approach.
“Last month, I got a wild hair to go to Hawaii. I booked with this travel agency everyone has been raving about. Then I started thinking about everything I had to do to get ready for the trip. Can I afford the time away from work? Who will watch the dogs? What am I going to wear? I panicked,” said Poppy Johnson, a part-time horse butler. “That’s when the travel agency texted me that the entire trip was canceled. I was giddy with relief. Now I’ve got a whole week freed up to try promo codes on gambling apps.”
Experts remained skeptical.
“This absence of misery is unsustainable. The travel industry isn’t designed for happy people who need convincing to leave the house. Will disgusting gas station bathrooms need to be cleaned now? Will continental breakfasts stop cutting scrambled eggs with fiberglass insulation? Will family members stop being dicks? The travel industry needs sad customers trying to salvage an acceptable experience to justify the enormous expense, not happy ones content with what they already have,” said Orel Dunlop, an analyst with the American Automobile Association (AAA). “And let’s not forget the thousands of idle TSA agents who must now find sexual gratification in other career paths, such as running over dogs with ICE.”
As of press time, a technical glitch caused thousands of travel plans to go ahead without cancellation, prompting outrage from customers.
