DENVER — Unemployed linguistics major Steve Carter spent hours looking through job boards yesterday before ultimately declining to apply for any positions upon noticing the attractive salaries promised, sources close to the realistic man confirmed.
“I need a job really bad, and there’s some stuff out there I think I’m qualified for… but as soon as I get to the compensation part and it doesn’t say something unpromising like ‘DOE’ or ‘to be discussed,’ I’m out,” said Carter. “Basically, anything that breaks down to more than $13 an hour is risky, and if there’s mention of a generous benefits package or paid time off, that’s a huge red flag. Whatever they need me to do in exchange for that is just not something I’m able, or probably even willing, to do. You have to read between the lines with these things.”
Martha Pratkov, a career advisor at Colorado State University, noted that stories like Carter’s are all too common.
“Steve is a lovely young man. He’s even kinda smart. But he’s a linguistics major who’s worked as a barista most of his adult life. He really has no business applying to jobs that pay more than $35,000 a year,” said Prathkov. “Maybe he’d have better prospects if he knew how to do that thing where you program Excel to auto-populate data, or had a CEO uncle. Unfortunately, Steve shows no interest in acquiring profitable skills, like computer programming, or nepotism. At this rate, I’m afraid he’ll remain a low-earner unless he learns how to be useful or get grandfathered in somewhere.”
History major Gabriela Rimoni agreed, remembering a time when she saw this same scenario play out before her very eyes.
“I was in an interview for an admin role at a tech start-up. Everything was going great until the interviewer said the job requires someone who’s good with numbers,” recalled an emotional Rimoni. “Like an idiot, I said, ‘I’m great with numbers! Ask me the dates of the Nicean Councils!’ and it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. The interviewer stammered something about having to finish some reports and bolted out of her own office.”
Carter is currently working his sixth day straight, filling out grad school applications between cappuccinos with several coworkers who majored in theater.