WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump made the bold claim that his economy is “hugely much stronger” than that of the administration of about 10 minutes ago after a surge in the stock market due to the repeal of most proposed tariffs, sources confirmed.
“You gotta wonder what the hell these clowns were even thinking in the first place!” said Trump in a moment he seemed to view as total victory. “A trade war against the entire world? Whoever cooked up that scheme outta have their head examined I think, I really really do. Well, now I’m in charge, and the numbers don’t lie, the economy is finally healing. Some are already saying this is the new golden age and it could last, I don’t know, 15 minutes, maybe even 45 minutes. People are making omelets again, that’s how good it is! They’re making omelets filled with prescription drugs they can afford and they are saying ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump, thank you for ending the madness.’ It’s a beautiful thing we’ve done, it really is.”
Many notable right-wing thought leaders, who took a rare stance against the party after the administration of ten or fifteen minutes ago’s proposed tariff fiasco, praised the President’s move as a return to sanity.
“One of the few things we can all agree on is that Donald Trump’s tariff plan was a chaotic embarrassment that has irreparably weakened America both domestically and on the world stage,” said podcaster Joe Rogan. “So you really gotta give big ups to President Donald Trump for stepping in to stop the bleeding, that’s called leadership. This is the exact sort of genius that made me vote for Trump and Musk in the first place.”
The President remained triumphant and proud through his press conference, even while addressing concerns that pausing the tariffs won’t be enough to prevent a recession.
“He kept saying this was his predecessor’s fault. A guy he called ‘Donald Dump’ because he kept ‘dumping on the economy.’ When I asked him if he was referring to himself he called me a childish dweeb,” said AP reporter Claude Magnusson. “Then he had every member of his cabinet come out and start patting him on the back at the same time while he thanked himself for being such a strong leader.”
As of press time, The President has segued into reading copy about how there’s never been a better time to buy a Cybertruck.