WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump issued a mandate that all federal employees must cease obtaining vaccinations and instead schedule weekly Botox injections, confirmed sources.
“We can no longer trust the science on vaccinations, whether it’s for the measles, mumps, or kielbasa,” said Trump. “The injections, however, must go on. We can’t stop the injections. That said, I’m requiring all federal employees schedule weekly Botox injections with our staff of plastic surgeons. We have the very best of them, too. The best in the world. No one is too young to receive Botox. You can have toddlers receiving it. You can have babies receiving it. It doesn’t matter the age. Botox straightens the face out and freezes it. This is what we want to see. Faces frozen in place and smiling. We don’t want any moping. Moping? You’re fired.”
White House staff member Jeremy J. Kelly hoped to receive an HPV vaccine, but will now begin Botox injections instead.
“I was recently turned down for an HPV vaccine,” Kelly revealed. “Now that Trump issued this mandate, I’ve had four rounds of Botox and I’m scheduled for 25 more by the end of 2025. I can’t move my jaw very well and everyone keeps asking me why my forehead doesn’t move when I smile. My immediate boss said Trump wants to see zero facial wrinkles on everyone, so I guess I’m just following orders. The worst part is that I’m only 25 but the Botox is making me look 45.”
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that the federal government was considering mandating Botox injections for all federal employees’ family pets as well.
“Botox has a tendency to tighten up animal meat, rendering it more succulent. Dogs, cats, gerbils, you name it. Botox tenderizes things in a way that would make you salivate,” said Kennedy Jr. “I hosted a dinner party for some diplomats from Russia a few weeks ago, and they had no idea I served them Botox-injected hamster meat and penguin eggs. The treatment just makes everything taste juicier. They loved it. They couldn’t get enough. Once we start negotiating with Greenland, I’m hoping to cook some up for our Greenlandic counterparts too.”
At press time, President Trump issued an order mandating all staff receive mandatory lip filler treatment.