PITTSVILLE, Wisc. — True crime enthusiast Walter Simmons was stunned last night to learn that he’d been murdered 10 years ago, according to the latest episode of his favorite podcast, Deaded, setting off a round of self-examination and unusually deep questioning of being.
“To say I was surprised that I was brutally murdered and left to rot in a ditch would be an understatement. Gotta admit, though… it was a sick twist,” said Simmons.
Simmons “did the responsible thing” after finding out this truth, calling in sick for work and texting friends and family that he “couldn’t hang anymore, on account of being dead.” “Turns out being dead for a decade really messes up your social life,” he glumly admitted.
Those closest to Simmons were shocked and saddened by his sudden, gruesome passing.
“I just hung out with him last week,” said local friend Summer Evans through tears. “He definitely did not seem dead at all. But when I listened to the podcast, it was hard to believe that, just last week, I was hanging out with the same guy who was dismembered in a bathtub and had his remains spread out across the state in trash bags.”
“It just goes to show, you never really know who people really are,” she added.
The creators of the podcast, Deaded: A Shadow a Decade Long, extensively researched the life and crimes Jim “The Decapitator” Crenshaw, focusing on a new victim in each episode.
“The Walter Simmons story is particularly gory,” said Tamara Hoff, the show’s host and producer. “He was the last known victim before Crenshaw was arrested. According to the autopsy, Simmons was injected with various household cleaners, burned, and then completely mutilated. Crenshaw even filmed himself using Simmons as a sort of ventriloquist dummy in a prop comedy routine filmed in the basement. It’s one of the most disturbing tapes I’ve ever seen.”
Despite the outcome, however, Simmons still anticipates tuning in to the next season of Deaded.
“I don’t think it would’ve been as good of a twist if it was anyone else,” said Simmons. “On top of my career, friends, family, and everything else going on in my life, it’s kind of nice to have things slow down and just be a ghost, I guess. I’m not really sure what I should be doing, but I’ll definitely have more free time now to figure it out.”