WASHINGTON — Justices of the Supreme Court announced that they will release their opinions early to select subscribers of a new Patreon account for die-hard fans, confirmed sources.
“SCOTUS+ subscribers at every level will receive exclusive access to our decisions as we overturn decades of jurisprudence. Plus, one actual Court decision each term will be crowdsourced directly from our highest tier supporters, members of the Harlan Crow Premium Plus Robing Room,” said Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh while drinking Rumple Minze from a shoe in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven. “We know people hate all the undisclosed gifts from billionaires, the jet travel, fancy vacations…using court employees to sell our books. But two hundred and seventy-whatever thousand a year doesn’t go as far as it used to. Hence the Patreon.”
So far, subscribers seem to be happy with the service.
“I dig it. For five bucks a month I get this unreleased and rare stuff directly in my inbox,” said Zac Ward. “I’ve been a SCOTUShead since ‘93, when my dad gave me a tape of Justice Scalia’s confirmation hearings in mono. I can’t quite swing the $4 million to get into the Harlan Crow Premium Circle thing where you get the signed Nazi memorabilia and all that, but man, I’d love the chance to go on a safari with those guys. Especially Kavanaugh.”
Court watchers noted that the proposed Patreon could violate the first written Supreme Court Code of Conduct which was released in 2023.
“The problem with the ethics pledge is that it doesn’t specifically say that you can’t make a Patreon at the highest court, and even if it did, there’s no mechanism to enforce it. The 2023 code is more like a glorified Notes app apology after a few of them got caught being shady,” said Tatiana Hall, Professor of Ethics at Princeton University’s Bezos School of Communications. “SCOTUS+ is an entirely different model. It’s about promoting public confidence in the Court by transparently giving ‘We The People’ what we want: early access to an opinion which explains what Gouverneur Morris would think about Plan B.”
As of press time, Congressional leaders from both parties were outraged that they weren’t being cut into the action.