WASHINGTON — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that he could tell a child is unhealthy just by licking them, sources confirmed.
“I know what a healthy child is supposed to taste like,” said Kennedy alongside his Make America Healthy Again team. “You can get a lot of information from tongue to skin contact. Temperature, salinity, texture, they should in no way taste gamey or stale, yet the children I lick when I’m walking through the airport or down the street all taste the same, unhealthy. The President and I are adamant that every child in this country needs to pass the lick test before we can truly make America healthy again.”
This unusual talent Kennedy Jr. possesses has been vital in the legislation he and his team are pursuing to pass into law.
“He had unknowingly trained his senses through a diet of raw milk and bearcub meat,” said Joe Bones, director of MAHA’s marketing team. “Secretary Kenndy’s tastebuds are adept at sensing mitochondrial imbalances, inflammation, and plaque psoriasis. And if you give him a sample to chew on for the day he can give you a diagnosis at 99.87% accuracy. We’ve even started compiling a national database of American children that organizes them by overall health, history of disease, which kids would pair well together with a fine red wine.”
More than 1,000 current and former employees of HHS have called for Kennedy Jr.’s immediate resignation since his war on vaccines, and even more have raised their voices against his non-consensual child tonguing.
“I’m not sure if I’m breaking this news here, but Robert Kennedy Jr. does not have a medical degree,” said Dr. Jodi McNemara, former Director of the CDC. “It’s become clear that the brain worm is calling the shots now, and the American children are going to suffer. The claims RFK Jr. makes about his saliva containing cancer fighting antibodies is complete BS! I am begging the parents of this country to never allow a 71-year-old man to lick your child, no matter how high up they are in the United States Government.”
At press time, the HHS has begun a nationwide campaign to get the cheeks of America’s youth onto the Health Secretary’s tongue in a cross-country bus tour.