MOUNT KISCO, N.Y. — Veteran Recruiter Nina Masellis is ready to head home after a long, grueling day of indiscriminately emptying her inbox of qualified applicants desperately seeking any kind of employment, sources working three part-time jobs to afford their daily commute confirmed.
“People think we just use AI to ghost qualified candidates, but there honestly aren’t enough hours in the day to be an effective recruiter,” lamented Masellis while unlocking level 12,411 on Candy Crush Saga during her ninth coffee break. “What’s most exhausting is keeping a straight face when a job seeker asks about compensation for an entry-level data entry position that requires a master’s degree, seven rounds of interviews, and a four-hour unpaid online assessment scheduled during work hours. But I know the perfect rockstar is out there, so why settle for anything less?”
Chronically underemployed college graduate Bryan Nichols is tired of jumping through hoops in order to get his foot in the door for even the most degrading of positions.
“After paying out the ass for a resume-writing service, crafting hundreds of humiliating, custom-tailored cover letters to flatter potential employers, and applying to every single position that LinkedIn and Indeed have to offer, I don’t know what else I should be doing to find some semblance of gainful employment,” stated Nichols after being prompted to provide four professional references in order to be considered for a seasonal cashier position that pays $13 an hour. “Also, how the fuck can somebody have 10+ years of experience with Google Gemini when it’s only been around for two?”
Longtime HR Generalist Gregory Hanson offers insight on how to mitigate the frustrating job-hunting process that candidates need to hear.
“Most companies actually have no plans to hire anybody despite their myriad job postings,” confirmed Hanson while thumbing through his well-worn Rubik’s Cube strategy guide. “What you need to realize is that these companies have to maintain the illusion that they’re in a phase of growth in order to placate their shareholders. Realistically, the best thing you can do is apply for a position in the recruitment industry because we could use all the help we can get. Otherwise, we’ll fail to meet our quota of insincere rejection letters addressed to ‘Applicant’ this fiscal quarter.”
At press time, Masellis was spotted on LinkedIn promoting her $1,500 “Land Your Dream Job” seminar through her unlicensed career coaching business.