NEW YORK — Local punk Nick Frayson once again skipped an entire week’s worth of targeted workout routines totaling his entire body despite setting a goal to get in peak physical condition, confirmed sources who know he’s in over his head.
“I only care about my vanity muscles like my abs, so I’m mainly focused on getting ripped in my lower torso area,” said Frayson. “I do exactly three sets of five crunches every seven days, and I’m good to go. I’m not seeing any results just yet, but I heard it takes time and dedication to achieve the perfect body. I can be patient if it means I get to take my shirt off in the pool. Otherwise, I just don’t have the time to work out every single muscle group. After all, I pick up stuff every now and then, so that probably engages my biceps. I even walk from my couch to the bathroom a few times a day. That’s equivalent to cardio right there, especially since I’m usually out of breath by the time I get to the toilet. It all evens out.”
Frayson’s exercise buddy Tanner Georgio didn’t think he was putting in enough effort.
“That dude is with me in the gym for about 90 seconds before he hits the showers,” said Georgio. “I’m not really sure why he would pay $400 a month for a gym membership if he doesn’t use any equipment or perks, like that ‘Cycling in Wet Cement’ class. I once tried to show him how to operate the shoulder press machine, but I don’t think he was paying attention because he was more focused on eating protein powder straight from the tub and talking about how playing guitar gets his wrists toned. There’s no hope for that guy.”
Personal trainer Jennifer Mayley has seen this type of mindset before.
“Getting in shape is the best decision you could ever make for your health, and it can extend your lifespan by as much as six months,” said Mayley. “But you have to give it your all if you want to see any progress. You need to get up at 3 a.m. every day, train for five consecutive hours, and sit in an ice cold bath any free moment you have throughout the course of your day. No more warm water for you if you’re trying to get a six pack. These half-assers are only inches from the grave, if you ask me.”
At press time, Frayson decided to lower the amount of cheat days he has in a week to four.