IMPERIAL BEACH, Calif. — A punk shark known to terrorize beachgoers attacked a scuba diver by ripping the sleeves off his wetsuit earlier today, Coast Guard officials confirmed.
“It came outta nowhere,” said Derek Frasier, who was visiting from Houston with his family. “It looked scarier than most sharks because it had these gnarly tattoos and a nose piercing — I’m pretty sure he was all jacked up on malt liquor, too. All I heard was, ‘Nice wetsuit, poser!’ and I was getting tugged and pulled in all these different directions. Before I could even process what happened, the shark was gone, and my $650 boutique wetsuit was two sleeves down. Devastating.”
The divemaster of the local scuba shop claimed she always includes a warning to divers during the pre-dive briefing.
“It’s one of the most important parts of the safety briefing,” said lead dive master and certified PADI instructor Coco Blanc. “I make sure every diver I’m taking out is well aware of how their gear operates, talk them through proper safety-stops for decompression, and give them a brief summary of Rollins-era Black Flag and suggest they wear something that doesn’t make them look like a tool — there are some rough fish out there, and they can sniff out a poser from a quarter-mile away. We even equip our divers’ weight belts with tallboys of PBR that they can deploy as a trust mechanism for any sea creatures that may want to rough ‘em up.”
This isn’t the first time this particular shark was seen defending their local scene.
“Yeah, every once in a while, you get some asshole who thinks they’re hot shit doggy-paddling around, scoping out sea turtles or some bullshit,” said Slug, a great white shark and scene veteran while eating a pack of cigarettes. “If we start letting posers in here, the next thing you know, this entire beach will be filled with boogie boarders, knocked down and turned into luxury condos or some shit. Not here. Not in my ocean, bud.”
At press time, the neighboring cephalopods were too busy setting up the drum set and shell merch table to comment.