PORTLAND, Ore. — Makers of the Oura Ring, the health metric wearable, announced an option for punks which notifies wearers that they haven’t had a cigarette in over an hour, confirmed sources.
“This year is all about growth. It’s all about maximizing our user base, and understanding the client. The customer is always right, right?” explained Jimmy Mitz, Oura VP of Operations. “We’ve already got in our clutches the data of probably everyone who would cough up $400 to track their sleep by the minute so we need to think about how we could best serve a different demographic of potential customers. We discovered that by monitoring the blood oxygen level of users, we’re able to tell when the user is experiencing a nicotine low. So we can send a notification to the person that it’d be best for their state of homoeostasis to light up as soon as possible.”
Local punk Steve Christian is reportedly pleased with the new Oura developments.
“I mean honestly it’s about time all these health companies got on board with cigarettes again. Like, tobacco literally comes from the ground. It’s plant-based. So is vodka. And weed. And mushrooms. Like I’m literally vegan,” Christian said as he crunched up a handful of fallen leaves and stuffed them into his mouth. “It’s also great that it tracks my sleep no matter whose couch I drunkenly pass out on. I really hope it still works when I pierce my septum with it.”
However, Christian’s ring didn’t win over everyone, including Jon Kansas, one of his nine roommates.
“I mean it’s honestly sad. Like, why do you need a piece of metal on your finger and an app to remind you that you need to do your daily habits like move your legs, light a cigarette, drink publicly, or grift the WiFi from the non profit next door?” said Kansas. “I’m personally super against technology and think we really need to move back from digital to analog. Which is why I’ve taped all of the cigarettes I need in a day to the clock hanging next to my bed.”
At press time, Oura announced a collaboration with Juul so the two devices can work together simultaneously to ensure each punk reaches their daily nicotine needs.
