SAYREVILLE, N.J. — The staff of a local Petco could only roll their eyes in secondhand embarrassment as punk Victor Simmons was clearly attempting to walk out of the store with a massive aquarium stuffed in his sweatpants, security footage confirmed.
“I simply came here to pursue this establishment’s supposed exotic pet section and I am once again leaving disappointed and empty-handed. Just because I’m wearing tattered clothes and rectangular shaped XXXXXL sweatpants doesn’t mean I’m shoplifting an aquarium of all things,” said Simmons as he slowly shuffled towards the exit. “I’m perfectly capable of purchasing a 45 gallon fish tank with my own money, and my engorged pants are simply the result of severe gout. Besides, I do all my push outs at Walmart.”
The store employees did not believe a word of Simmon’s story, but admitted that dealing with the situation was beyond their pay grade.
“Ten minutes ago this guy told me to go fuck myself when I tried to help him pick out a fish tank, and now he’s acting indignant when I point out that he’s smuggling half the store in his pants. Honestly, I’m just aggravated that he’s forcing me to actually do my job,” said shift manager Troy Nelson. “I just want to see how far he can waddle into the parking lot before he realizes there’s a trail of neon gravel forming behind him that’s going to lead to his exact location. He’s lucky my break is in five minutes, otherwise I’d think about calling the cops.
Petco’s contracted security company noted that pet store-related theft has unique challenges.
“Anything involving theft of obnoxiously large animal products, or animals themselves, can be hard to mitigate. I mean at least he’s making an effort to conceal his theft, hairbrained as it is. But if I were the manager I’d try talking to the round-cheeked guy Simmons walked in with to make sure he’s not hiding a fish in his mouth,” said Shane Naysmith. “This is almost as half-assed as the guy who tried to walk out with a live iguana by dressing it up in toddler clothes and passing it off as their kid.”
As of press time, Simmons was forced to abruptly abandon the aquarium at the door after the parakeets he shoved in his shirt began viciously tugging his nipple rings.