HONOLULU — Local skateboarding bulldog Excalibur reportedly pushes the board with his back legs instead of his front ones like a dork, according to its disappointed owner Kevin Willrick.
“Sure, it’s cool having a skateboarding dog, but why does he have to be such a poser?” said Willrick while browsing the animal shelter’s website for a different dog to adopt. “It’s always been my dream to be one of those guys who owns a dog that shreds, but there is no world that I ever imagined it’d push mongo. I just didn’t think it was possible. Plus, I bought him this sweet Hockey board with Ace trucks, and those new soft Spitfire wheels, but all he wants to ride is this ratty old Nash board he found in the garbage; the thing has plastic trucks. I wonder if the adoption center has a return policy.”
Willrick’s roommate Chelsea Van Hogen noticed some troubling patterns with Excalibur in recent weeks.
“I knew something was up when it was a warm sunny day and all the dog wanted to do was play ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater,’” said Van Hogen as she slipped in some of Excalibur’s slobber. “Sure, THPS is fun to play on a rainy day, but this was ideal skating weather and he wouldn’t stop staring at the TV and pawing at the controller. Next day, same idea. Except instead of playing video games, Excalibur just spent the day fingerboarding on some old textbooks I had laying around. It’s almost as if he likes the idea of being a cool skateboarding dog rather than actually being a cool skateboarding dog.”
Razor Scooters founder and CEO Carlton Calvin says he might have something for Excalibur.
“Our company was built on posers that are too lame to ride actual skateboards,” said Calvin while Googling himself. “As a matter of fact, I was a failed skateboarding company executive before I founded Razor. And Excalibur sounds like just the kind of dog we could use on our pro scooter team. He might be the thing that finally brings scooters back on top of the niche transportation and extreme sports markets. Now I’m not sure how a bulldog can ride a Razor exactly, but I’m sure R&D can get that all sorted out.”
At press time, Excalibur was seen ordering $800 worth of clothes from a CCM catalog.