WASHINGTON — Rep. Bradley Church (R-AL) vowed to shield the public from illegal child pornography by collecting it all on his private laptop, confirmed horrified sources.
“While the Woke Left is focused on grooming our children, I intend to push past their Deep State smear campaign and keep my promise to make this country a safer place for our little angels,” the embattled Republican remarked. “And if that means I have to keep a growing, personal repository of kiddie porn on various hard drives hidden under loose floorboards in my attic to keep it out of the hands of others, then I only do so with your kids in mind. I personally will not rest until every single piece of underage content is on my personal computer that only I can see.”
Other conservative lawmakers were quick to come to his defense.
“Look, I’m not a computer scientist or a trafficking expert, so who am I to judge?” said head of the Computer Science, Trafficking, and Judiciary committees Rep. Dale Edwards (R-TX). “The important thing here is that we do whatever we can to protect minors which is why I’m co-sponsoring Congressman Church’s bill to start a national registry, so that only we have access to this content. The bill is aimed at protecting children from complete monsters who don’t have their best interests in mind. In related news, I’m also proposing a bill that would allow elementary students to carry firearms and live grenades in the classroom to protect themselves from each other.”
Surprisingly, not all GOP allies are supportive of Rep. Church.
“I have thoroughly looked over the contents of my colleague’s computer and I am appalled,” said Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz. “Children need to be at least 16 before you should even think about paying for sex with them. What we should really be getting to the bottom of is the disgusting business-dealing contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop. There could be loads of child pornography on there that we really need to get our hands on and see for ourselves. I feel sick just thinking about it.”
Representative Church is also currently defending himself from allegations of having paid to end the pregnancies of his mistresses by claiming he is using up all of the abortions so no one else can get one.