LOS ANGELES — In an effort to bolster declining viewership, the six-time Super Bowl-winning New England Patriots will perform during the Grammy Awards’ halftime show later this evening, according to a press release from the Recording Academy.
“The Patriots have spent decades cultivating a rabid fan base amongst 37-year-old Bostonians named Liam,” explained Recording Academy president Neil Portnow. “But now, the Pats are at the top of their game, and really ready to wow the crowd here at Staples Center — in front of God, Alicia Keys, and everyone viewing at home.”
Portnow hopes the Patriots might help initiate some kind of “cultural exchange program” with the National Football League.
“In recent years, we’ve consistently sent the NFL our dryest, most uninteresting acts: from Sting to U2, to Katy Perry for their halftime shows. We think it’s time they return the favor,” Portnow added. “With the Pats’ winning predictability and overall lack of charm, this should be one epic show.”
Performing the Grammys’ halftime show would be seen by many players as the pinnacle of their athletic careers… but for some, the Grammys are only the beginning.
“It’s always been a dream of mine to be recognized as an ‘EGOTL’ winner,” said New England quarterback Tom Brady, referring to the difficult task of winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony award, along with the Lombardi trophy. “Anybody can win a Super Bowl or impregnate a supermodel. But now, I can finally show off this cover of ‘Shallow’ I’ve been working on.”
The performance is expected to cover a wide variety of the Patriots greatest plays — ranging from wide receiver Julian Edelman ingesting performance-enhancing drugs, to legendary tight end Rob Gronkowski repeatedly grabbing his back in pain. Rumors are also circulating that former Patriot Wes Welker could make a surprise appearance to give himself one of his classic concussions.
“I’m a big strawberry, but I want to live on the moon,” said Welker when asked if he might show up at some point during the Patriots’ set. “Does anybody know how to make jambalaya?”
At press time, Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick was denying accusations of filming Cardi B’s warm-up dance routine in an apparent effort to give his team an edge.