NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Local doctor, and self-described nihilist, recommended more sleep for better mood, improved brain function, and a faster return to the endless void we were ripped from at birth, confirmed sources.
“First and foremost, I went to medical school to help people,” said Dr. Michael Oberhoffer. “But one day, amongst the countless thousands I’ve spent wandering our vacuous, Khafka-esque hellscape, I realized the best way I can help those people is by expediting their merciful return to the sweet cradle of oblivion. And sure, I could just give ‘em a wink and prescribe enough pills to kill a rhino, but unfortunately I’m bound by the Hippocratic Oath. Which means I can only speed up the cruel, senseless existence of my beloved patients by recommending a good 12 to 16 hours of sleep per day.”
Dr. Oberhoffer’s methods, while controversial, are undeniably a hit amongst some of his patients.
“My God, it’s already October!” exclaimed Marry Blevins, who has been seeing Oberhoffer for almost a year. “I just can’t believe it. About 10 months ago, I went in to see if I could get a referral for a shrink, or maybe some Vicodin. But the good doctor made me see the truth. Which is that nothing on this Godforsaken rock hurtling through nothingness is worth being present for. I’ve recommended him to all my friends and family. Although I don’t see them much these days, because of all the sleeping.”
The fad is impacting the world of pharmaceuticals as well.
“Our advertising has taken an admittedly darker turn, but we can’t argue with these numbers,” remarked Jason Trailon, marketing executive of a notable pharmaceutical giant. “Simply changing the slogan of our sleeping pills to ‘Go to Sleep, Nothing Matters’ has increased sales 800%. We literally can’t keep those bad boys on the shelves for more than a few hours before a swarm of people buys every bottle. I guess some people really just don’t want to exist anymore. Which is fine by me. They’re asleep, speeding through life. I’m in my Ferrari, speeding through empty streets. It’s a win-win!”
At press time, the Surgeon General thanked Dr. Oberhoffer for his contributions, commenting how the nation’s workforce has never been more well-rested, albeit unmotivated.