NEW YORK — New York Mayor Eric Adams announced he plans to give Sean “Diddy” Combs a second key to the city with the ability to open most hotel room doors following the musician’s acquittal on the most serious charges he faced, sources confirmed.
“This key is a symbol that we should all embrace and trust one of the greatest musicians of a generation. It will allow him to access virtually every hotel room where he will be allowed to watch you sleep, or if you’re lucky, provide you with drugs and watch you make love for hours,” said Mayor Adams. “You know what else is cool about this thing? It unlocks all those security doors at CVS so you don’t have to wait around for some teenage employee to bring you the key. This key will allow Diddy to grab all the baby oil he needs.”
Lawyers for Mr. Combs thanked the mayor for his support and generosity.
“Mayor Adams has been a great advocate for our client. I’ve talked with Mr. Combs about this offer and he said he will put that key to use immediately. If you are a beautiful woman that has always fantasized about having Diddy watch you have sex then this will be a golden age for you, he promises to be there in the corner, interjecting every so often with his trademark hype phrases,” said lead defense attorney Marc Agnifilo. “We look forward to when Mr. Combs can get back to living a simple life where he hosts wild sex parties with the best B-list celebrities in the business.”
Lifelong New York resident Carla Suarez says she is unhappy with the mayor’s decision.
“It’s kind of fucked up. There are a lot of problems that need solving in this city, I don’t think handing keys to a sex pest are going to fix things,” said Suarez. “I’m scraping by trying to put food on my table, now I have to worry that Diddy is going to come into my house when I’m gone and make a sandwich or eat the Chef Boyardee Ravioli I buy for my kids. New York needs new leadership, and we need it fast.”
At press time, Mayor Adams extended an invite to Diddy for an all-expenses paid vacation to Instanbul.