SAN FRANCISCO — Popular rideshare app Uber announced a new feature that would match intoxicated riders with intoxicated drivers, confirmed sources who were already five beers deep.
“Our research has shown that what people truly want from a ridesharing app is a drinking buddy,” began market analyst Lauren Campos. “One of the things we need to offer our riders is a true kinship with their driver. However, we found that sober people cannot stand being around drunks, so we’ve created an alcohol-first vehicular environment where another person is already on your level of inebriation and that person is only breaking a few minor traffic laws. Our services are already constantly adapting to market trends. But what if, at the same time, we could spark a lasting, lifelong friendship between two people whose only thing in common is mild alcoholism? Well, that’s cause enough to celebrate with a few shots.”
Uber also announced a “Buzzed, But Good to Drive” option for clients who are thinking about safety first.
“Shit, if they can almost kind of operate machinery, that’s good enough for me!” exclaimed Ash Ahrens, currently on his fourth jack and coke out at The Foxy Dodger Bar and Grille. “I’m down to keep the party going with my frickin’ driver all the way to my apartment. Hopefully they’ll want to get a little Fiona Apple karaoke going in the car. Or, if they’re feeling mellow we can just talk about the 1998 World Series. And if they’ve got a cooler in the car, you can just chalk that up as a five-star ride, baby!”
Some drivers, like Tiffany Taylor, on her way to pick up Ahrens, were feeling positive about the new features, but having a hard time keeping up.
“I’ve already had my license suspended three times, but it’s worth it for the tips,” said Taylor. “Sure, Uber makes us use a breathalyzer before starting a shift. If we are over the legal limit of 0.08% then we’re good to pick up strangers. Last I checked though I was only at 0.05%. I really gotta step it up if I want to make some cash tonight. A half a bottle of New Amsterdam should do it.”
At press time, Ahrens was seen stumbling up to his front porch while still looking for his driver while Taylor was passed out in a random parking space two towns over, waiting for Ahrens.