LOS ANGELES – Farmers Insurance launched a new ad campaign featuring Oscar-winning actor J.K. Simmons brutally demeaning a man for not insuring his boat, frightened and humiliated sources confirmed.
“We want people to shit their pants in fear,” said Farmers marketing director and sadist Sammie Whalen. “We want viewers to be absolutely terrified that if they don’t buy insurance from us then their life will be changed forever. Whether that be losing millions in a lawsuit, or having the Neo Nazi leader from ‘Oz’ verbally abuse you for two hours straight. We even made a wardrobe change to show off JK’s weird old-man muscles, which always freaks me out.”
The ad itself will feature Simmons’ normally benevolent spokesman losing his cool after a boat owner bumps into a dinghy at the marina.
“It’s a pretty standard ad. A guy accidentally scratches his boat, then I materialize and say something like ‘Christ how do you even fucking walk? You can’t drive a goddamn boat? Were your parents siblings? Don’t just stand there with your mouth open, no one’s coming to stick their cock in it. I can’t believe you don’t have insurance, a pet monkey would have the sense to buy boat insurance before smearing his shit on the walls.’ You know that kind of thing,” explained Simmons. “Then I berate boat guy for crying, call him a pathetic, little cum-stain, tell him to visit farmers.com to learn more, and we’re all home by 5.”
Surprisingly, the aggressive marketing strategy has already shown success, with other companies scrambling to catch up.
“I don’t even have a boat, but I bought the insurance,” explained intimidated customer Alex Gates. “Unfortunately with many marketers opting into this horrifying new strategy, I can barely watch football these days without having a heart attack. I saw an ad for Purina that was just Michael Shannon staring directly into camera for 25 seconds before making the throat slash gesture. I changed the channel, and there’s the CarFax fox with John Malkovich’s voice. He called me a fuck-face and said he would break my thumbs if I didn’t ask for the CarFax. Needless to say, I asked.”
At press time, Simmons was recording dialogue in which his yellow M&M encouraged the blue M&M to commit suicide.