VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Legendary music journalist Nardwuar was gently but sternly escorted out of a gentlemen’s club last night for addressing the performers by their real names, confirmed sources who believed he went too far this time.
“It completely took me by surprise,” remarked Nardwuar, still wounded over the occasion. “Usually, the folks I interview love when I show off how much I’ve researched them, but I guess that kind of thing is looked down upon here. Even after interviewing Henry Rollins or Sonic Youth I didn’t feel this dejected. I had this whole thing planned out where I would reveal their 23andMe results, their shoe size, and the name of their first born child to them, but that was before they started tossing me out.”
In addition to revealing sensitive information, employees also expressed discomfort with the Human Serviette’s gift-giving habit.
“Sure, it’s a nice sentiment, and I needed a new bra anyways,” said dancer LeeAnn Thomason. “I just found it a little off-putting that he got me one that fit perfectly. I asked him, ‘How the hell do you know my size?’ and he said, ‘You’re Sinnamon Angel, we have to know!’ I think he meant that in a complimentary way, but it came off as creepy. It didn’t help that he tried stuffing a vinyl from some soul band called Dogfart down my g-string right after.”
While a high-profile person like Nardwuar being thrown out of a club certainly raised some eyebrows, to some employees it was just business as usual.
“I didn’t see what all the hullabaloo was about,” said Todd Strickland, a bouncer at the club for over 10 years. “Nobody told me he was some kind of a celebrity. He had a weird, nervous energy, and I could barely understand anything he was saying; I just thought he was from Quebec. I wouldn’t have treated him any differently if I did know who he was, anyways. I always keep a close eye on anyone who comes in here wearing a beret. From experience, I can tell you, guys in berets are usually bad news.”
At press time, eyewitnesses report Nardwuar is still in the parking lot shouting “doot doo da loot doot” at dancers hurriedly leaving the building.