SAINT PAUL, Minn. — Local man and “Mr. Fucking Big Shot” Dan Paulson was allegedly acting last night “like his shit don’t stink” because he can stop drinking without someone physically restraining him or taking away his wallet, hard-partying sources confirmed.
“Well, well, well — would you get a load of this candy-ass motherfucker right here,” said Paulson’s friend Giancarlo Sanchez between wet-sounding liquor burps. “Danny’s big-timing us because he’s just sober enough that he’ll probably drive home safely and he didn’t once piss under the table tonight. Apologies for your socks, by the way.”
While medical professionals would undoubtedly categorize Paulson as a heavy drinker, his small group of well-lubricated friends, including Tamatha Kramer, strongly disagree.
“Danny is good people, even if he’s one of those health nuts that only drinks on Fridays, Saturdays, Thursdays, and all day Sundays,” said Kramer. “But it is frustrating the way he always skates on us when we either vomit profusely or throw bar darts at each other’s bare asses because apparently he has ‘work in three hours’ or whatever.”
Despite his friends’ objections, Paulson still made his relatively sober early exit from the bar.
“As I settled my tab, they all tried to scream, ‘You think you’re better than me?’ but their slurring was so bad it sounded like milk-drunk alley cats in a cartoon,” said Paulson. “You’d figure me having four hard liquor drinks in the span of an hour is a lot, but compared to my friends, I’m basically straight edge.”
Paulson added that, despite the ridicule, his friends’ ability to minimize his own drinking problem is a huge benefit.
“Having friends that party harder than you is way easier than getting sober. And anytime I worry that I drink too much, an evening with them always puts it in perspective,” said Paulson. “Like, yeah — I got 2 DUIs last year, but Tamatha once got drunk enough to slap a police horse with her titties. So I’m good.”
At press time, Paulson is seeking more friends to help minimize his new-found fondness for marijuana, Adderall, and cocaine.