FOLSOM, Calif. — Country singer Carlson Swagger brought his cowboy bootlickin’ brand of lawful country music to Folsom Prison today where he performed only for law enforcement while advocating for harsher sentencing for the prisoners, sources confirmed.
“Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone except the criminal scum who deserve to rot behind bars, who’s ready for some law abidin’ tunes from the heartland? Johnny Cash once visited this very stage with his brand of outlaw country, but I’m here for something a little different: the red, the white, and to back the blue,” shouted Swagger, before breaking into his hit song “I Walk the Thin Blue Line.” “But before I get out of here, I wanna dedicate my next song to all the hardworking Americans busting their asses every day to raise the mandatory minimums for misdemeanor drug possession and keep our prisons full—you’re the real heroes. This one’s called ‘Do the Petty Crime, Serve the Max Time.’”
Clarence Daniels, a prisoner serving a life sentence at Folsom Prison, recalled how Swagger’s performance deviated from the legendary concert performed by Johnny Cash.
“When they canceled our time in the yard because this Swagger fella was coming through I had high hopes we’d enjoy another great show like Mr. Cash put on in ‘68, but I knew we were in for a long day when he started singing ‘I like my convicts like my KFC: extra crispy,’” said Daniels, recalling what he could hear through the cell walls. “I didn’t get to leave my cell all day, then the guards came back wearing concert t-shirts all singing some bullshit love song called ‘Sweet Little Miss Demeanor Ain’t Walkin’ the Streets No More.’”
Meanwhile, prison guard Stephen Capella proclaimed that he thoroughly enjoyed the show, and was still humming catchy lyrics like “I falsified the evidence, just to watch a criminal fry” hours later.
“You know it’s always ‘Fuck the Police’ with these musicians types, but nobody writes songs celebrating the vital role that prison guards play in society. Thankfully, Swagger really captured the pure joy you get from dragging a convict to solitary confinement with ‘Folsom Prison Screws,’” said Capella, admiring his autographed baton. “Not only that, he generously agreed to donate a percentage of his album sales to lobby for more prison beds for non-violent offenders in Sacramento County!”
At press time, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice had announced that Swagger would headline their next death row execution.