LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Millennial Scott Eardner momentarily lost himself in his local Fresh Thyme and spent his entire life savings on three boxes of Cocoa Protein Magic Spoon cereal, sources report.
“Oh God, what have I done?” Eardner wailed. “I’ve been saving what little money I could for the past 10 years for an emergency or a rainy day, and I just blew it all on some ludicrously overpriced cereal that tastes like mildly sweetened sawdust. Ugh, it’s going to take me years to re-save all of it. I work full-time as both a barista at Starbucks and a server at TGI Fridays, so I’m struggling just to pay for my rent and keto-friendly, protein packed cereals, and not to mention all the school loans I have from the degree in Chemistry from Northwestern that didn’t yield me anything in the job market. Clearly I need to make smarter financial investments in my breakfast foods.”
Cashier Brad Carson reacted to what he saw.
“This guy comes in every week, and his socks with sandals combo indicates he isn’t a big spender,” Carson said. “He’s a frequent couponer, and often seems like he’s penny pinching. No shade, because it’s not like I’m making huge money myself. I was just surprised when I saw him walking up to the checkout with three boxes of Magic Spoon, because that shit is so unbelievably expensive and not even really that good. Honestly, he should’ve just bought himself some Golden Grahams. AI or global warming is likely going to kill us within the next couple decades, so it’s not like there’s a reason to watch what we’re eating, you know?”
Economist Luisa Villareal weighed in on the situation.
“I’ve been seeing so many inordinately expensive ‘health foods’ hitting the market recently,” Villareal provided. “It’s unclear how these companies are able to stay afloat, because so few people these days have the money to afford them. Also, I’m no nutritionist, but I can’t imagine the proposed health benefits of these brands managing to outweigh the harm that the stress of living in our late-stage capitalism hellscape is putting on millennials. People in their 30s and 40s aren’t able to eat healthy and afford to retire in a few decades. You simply can’t have both.”
At press time, Eardner had drained his IRA so he could buy three 12-packs of Poppi soda.
